....it's all good....

while qigonging today, i received this sms:
"hey, u better update ur blog when u r free. Ppl call me to ask about u. Get well soon."

:) he is not the only one.
before i even say anything else, please accept my apology. sorry to worry you. and really thanks for letting me know you care enough to nudge me. btw, i'm not sick :)
actually i lost connection to the internet for awhile. technical issue that is yet to resolve.
anyway, i'm sitting at the pool side at my condo now.. accessing the building management wi-fi. very quiet and serene except for the sounds of cricket.
just what i need.

how am i doing?
i guess i can say.. holding up well still.

physically,
i continue to sprout pimples every now and then. they tend to get bigger and take longer to go away now. it annoys me still but like everyone say, it's a small matter. oh! i found the most kick-ass pimples cream ever.
i'm so dry till i don't sweat anymore. it makes me wonder am i drying inside out? mummified?
my eyes sight is deterioratng too. i think i'm short sighted now (haven't get it tested) and very likely i need to wear spec soon.. there goes my perfect eyesight :P ... actually i just hope its not something more serious like corneal eroision...

well, you can say all those are annoying discomforts but just small matters.
however, there are indeed something bugging me... and i don't like it at all.

in the past year 2009,
despite repetitively been told by many with convincing evidences that i'm going to die..
despite the healing crisis, the growing pains, the physical breakdown that almost killed me..
even right up to the minute i was lying in bed.. hardly breathing.. i still believe i won't die. altho' i know i can die but i just believe i won't die.

and i didn't die.

somehow, i'm so reluctant to move on to 2010.
not even a month to the new year, i already have this disturbing thought that i couldn't shake it off.
i think i'm going to die this year.

such a sick thought. i'm so negative. i don't know where it comes from. i'm not even feeling sick.
well, maybe the side effects of IRESSA are not only physical, but emotional as well.

i just got my xray today and it seems fine. will be getting my blood test result tomorrow.
if you ask me- no confidence. i don't think it's good.

THAT IS SO UNLIKE ME!!!!
no matter how sick i am, i was always hopeful and if things doesn't turn out right, i was always still looking forward to make it better.

it seems like i'm slowly losing my mental strength...
i know i need to get that back. i have to....

will let you know the result tomorrow.