....it's all good....
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
how do i even begin?
to put it simply, i was given emend this cycle and for the past one week, i was in a stupor.
Emend. a powerful emesis drug specifically formulated to inhibit acute nausea and vomiting set off by chemotherapy. it came with a pricey tag of RM100 per capsule, a pack of 3 capsules, to be taken each for 3 days consecutively.
does it work?
…like a miracle drug for its purpose. i didn’t vomit at all this round and it even managed to curb nausea to the minimal.
too good to be true? let’s see.
the drug sort of penetrates the brain and occupies brain NK1 receptors or something like that whatever it means. me...with a body that i suspect is super sensitive to drug ….i became overly receptive- i think. i felt like i have a total system shut down. i have been sleeping around the clock for the past 4-5 days. i slept more than 20 hours a day and even when i’m awake, don’t trust with me anything. my mind was far far away in another space and dimension even though my feet were safety grounded on earth. not in a creepy way but fantasy whimsical way…and this, i’m not complaining. a pleasant distraction indeed.
it’s the exhaustion…the fatigue…the ‘fatigue-to-the-core’ kinda of tiredness …that drained me off. i simply dozed off in a middle of a conversation…i fell asleep on the couch unperturbed by screaming and jumping kids around me…after two spoonful of food into my mouth, i already declared i’m too tired to eat and i need to go back to sleep. to lift me up a little, i suggested to follow my husband to pick up the kids but i fell asleep back and forth...it was a top 20 minutes drive only. how pathetic.
of course, side effects are not suppose to be permanent. i’m already coming out of it. in fact, i know i’m recovering when my senses started to kick in on Sunday…feeling the hit of other Cisplatinum side effects like breathlessness, the awakening of nerves pain from an old surgical wound…i really mean old news- already 3 months has lapsed since the operation and yet, my nerves still remembers it vividly…*sigh*, such a good memory and thankfully, the pain is subsiding too. and the nasty taste bud…yucks!!
my hubby is voting for emend. i can fully understand it’s easier for him to see me curl up in bed and sleep than hurling over the toilet bowl puking yellow bile glop with anguish written all over my face. as for me……..okay, probably you don’t hear me say this before but that’s because i tend not to write when i feel really down....
unlike some chronic diseases such as diabetes and heart diseases, cancer are more often than not are instantly associated with death. when you are diagnosed with cancer, you are put face to face with death, expecting you to confront it vigilantly when you are so unprepared for it. my dad said, cancer is not a death sentence. trust me- he knows better. i don’t think cancer is a death sentence either… many have live to prove it. however, it's a life sentence…a life sentence of death. till date, there is no fool-proof way that cancer can be cured…despite doing your best to beat it with whatever treatment thrown at you, there is no guarantee you are going to live out the remaining years of your life in peace. once diagnosed with cancer, life ahead will always be threatened with death…living in the uncertainty that it can always come back to haunt you. it’s something that i need to learn to deal with moving forward. have i conquered it yet? i doubt i have but i will. i have to.
for me, death threats come in the form of a BIG bully lurking around the corner waiting for an opportunity to pound….the moment i feel weak, sick and fragile, it will pick on me, shove me around, daring me to give up. at times, i will try to arm wrestle it to keep it at bay but once i’m feeling better…a little stronger, i will try to kick it ass so hard just to piss it off enough to leave me alone. the truth is - it will never go away but as said, it’s something that i need to learn to live with….i guess i can live with it so long i can keep it passive and less intimidating.
well, i didn’t get to kick any asses this cycle. which is cool. i think emend knocked it down too. so, i’m rooting for emend for my final cycle. (thanks Chanel- for the tip).
i actually want to make this post short but I got a little carried away.
there are friends that I want to reach out and say my sincere thanks but I’m waiting for the mind-numbing effect of the drug to wear off before i do so.
so, I’m saving it for my next post.
be back soon...
Emend. a powerful emesis drug specifically formulated to inhibit acute nausea and vomiting set off by chemotherapy. it came with a pricey tag of RM100 per capsule, a pack of 3 capsules, to be taken each for 3 days consecutively.
does it work?
…like a miracle drug for its purpose. i didn’t vomit at all this round and it even managed to curb nausea to the minimal.
too good to be true? let’s see.
the drug sort of penetrates the brain and occupies brain NK1 receptors or something like that whatever it means. me...with a body that i suspect is super sensitive to drug ….i became overly receptive- i think. i felt like i have a total system shut down. i have been sleeping around the clock for the past 4-5 days. i slept more than 20 hours a day and even when i’m awake, don’t trust with me anything. my mind was far far away in another space and dimension even though my feet were safety grounded on earth. not in a creepy way but fantasy whimsical way…and this, i’m not complaining. a pleasant distraction indeed.
it’s the exhaustion…the fatigue…the ‘fatigue-to-the-core’ kinda of tiredness …that drained me off. i simply dozed off in a middle of a conversation…i fell asleep on the couch unperturbed by screaming and jumping kids around me…after two spoonful of food into my mouth, i already declared i’m too tired to eat and i need to go back to sleep. to lift me up a little, i suggested to follow my husband to pick up the kids but i fell asleep back and forth...it was a top 20 minutes drive only. how pathetic.
of course, side effects are not suppose to be permanent. i’m already coming out of it. in fact, i know i’m recovering when my senses started to kick in on Sunday…feeling the hit of other Cisplatinum side effects like breathlessness, the awakening of nerves pain from an old surgical wound…i really mean old news- already 3 months has lapsed since the operation and yet, my nerves still remembers it vividly…*sigh*, such a good memory and thankfully, the pain is subsiding too. and the nasty taste bud…yucks!!
my hubby is voting for emend. i can fully understand it’s easier for him to see me curl up in bed and sleep than hurling over the toilet bowl puking yellow bile glop with anguish written all over my face. as for me……..okay, probably you don’t hear me say this before but that’s because i tend not to write when i feel really down....
unlike some chronic diseases such as diabetes and heart diseases, cancer are more often than not are instantly associated with death. when you are diagnosed with cancer, you are put face to face with death, expecting you to confront it vigilantly when you are so unprepared for it. my dad said, cancer is not a death sentence. trust me- he knows better. i don’t think cancer is a death sentence either… many have live to prove it. however, it's a life sentence…a life sentence of death. till date, there is no fool-proof way that cancer can be cured…despite doing your best to beat it with whatever treatment thrown at you, there is no guarantee you are going to live out the remaining years of your life in peace. once diagnosed with cancer, life ahead will always be threatened with death…living in the uncertainty that it can always come back to haunt you. it’s something that i need to learn to deal with moving forward. have i conquered it yet? i doubt i have but i will. i have to.
for me, death threats come in the form of a BIG bully lurking around the corner waiting for an opportunity to pound….the moment i feel weak, sick and fragile, it will pick on me, shove me around, daring me to give up. at times, i will try to arm wrestle it to keep it at bay but once i’m feeling better…a little stronger, i will try to kick it ass so hard just to piss it off enough to leave me alone. the truth is - it will never go away but as said, it’s something that i need to learn to live with….i guess i can live with it so long i can keep it passive and less intimidating.
well, i didn’t get to kick any asses this cycle. which is cool. i think emend knocked it down too. so, i’m rooting for emend for my final cycle. (thanks Chanel- for the tip).
i actually want to make this post short but I got a little carried away.
there are friends that I want to reach out and say my sincere thanks but I’m waiting for the mind-numbing effect of the drug to wear off before i do so.
so, I’m saving it for my next post.
be back soon...
posted by lisaOne at 10:00 PM
10 Comments:
hope u r feeling better now.
its not a death sentence when you keep fighting. god bless.
God will carry you all the way throught. Trust in him. By the way, how many more treatments you have to go thru?
Lisa, God will provide the strength to you. I believe you can make it. Keep us update and give us a call if you need someone to talk.(jazz & agnes have my number).
Take care
I guess it's better to get some rest than to be puking :). Probably a good choice minus the side effects. But no worries, you'll get out of there vy soon.
it's good to hear from you again. and it amazes me at how strong you are. Keep fighting it and ask God for strength. God Bless!
I believe you will overcome it.
And yeah, sleeping seems like the better choice compared to puking.
Take care n God bless.
Sleeping definitely beats puking away! :) And Lisa, i'm sure you're gonna win this battle, you're such a strong girl! Take good care and hugs!
Hi Lisa, this week was a bad one for me. It started with Noel having non-stop vomitting on Tues afternoon at 3pm. By the time I returned home, he was puking yellow bile juices. We brought him to a paed who advised us to send Noel to a hospital. There was a lump in this intestines area. Coupled with the cute vomitting, it spells trouble. We spent the next 24 hours in hospitals going thru x-rays, ultra sounds and special x-rays involving a tube inserted thru Noel's nasal cavity into his stomach. At that time, doctors suspected he may some birth defects where his intestines tend to interlock. Untreated, could lead to death. After lots of referrals from one specialist to another, it was finally concluded that Noel was probably having a stomach flu -- lesser of 2 evils. After Noel got discharged, that same night, Nigel started vomitting. The next day at work, half way thru a meeting, I made a dash for the tiolet. I threw up my lunch and had a bad diarroah right after. That same night, my husband went thru the same symptoms.
Lisa, while I was puking over the toilet bowl, I thought of you. No offence really. But it made me wonder how much worse it is for you. For 24 hours, I had vomitting, lost of appetite, insomnia, body aches, dehydration... I felt I was going to die. But when I thought about you, natually, I told myself "hey, it's only stomach flu so count yourself lucky". If I was going thru what you are going thru, would I have made it thru this far? The answer is "no". Mentally, I might have lost the battle long ago. Lisa, maybe you don't this, but you certainly have inspired me to be a more positive person and count the blessings each day however small it may be....
Heard from May that you had fever and almost had to go to the hospital if it doesn't not subside. Glad it has. Take care!
Dawn
I hope the sleepiness doesn't cause you to eat less.
I hope you are responding well to cycle 3.
I hope your spirit will remain high.
I hope we can do more to lift your spirit. To give you more strength.
I hope the big bully will get kicked so hard, it'll find a place to hide for good.
*Hugs*
Looks like emend works its miracle unto ur nerves and brain. Good to have a little break of peace. God bless ;)
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