....it's all good....

so sorry for the long silence. i'm so under the weather lately...feeling so mushy that what i write may not even make sense. my life nowadays is a sickening routine. sickening in the real sense. if i'm not vomiting, i'm in pain. if i'm not in pain, i feel like i'm having a relentless hangover. it's like an unstoppable vicious cycle.

i have completed cycle 1 dreadfully. the recovery period is so short that i was knocked down again and again before i had a chance to get better. before i recover from vomiting...i was down with stomach flu and even vomited more ferociously...and before i recover from the flu...my white blood cell (wbc) count was too low and i have to miss one treatment (which was actually a breather since it allow me a longer recovery period but missing treatment is not good)...i was backed for treatment a week later feeling more cheerful but dissapointed that my wbc count was still way too low.

my oncologist said "you cannot afford to miss another treatment, so we are going to proceed with treatment today in expectation of further hit on you wbc. to counteract, we will give you neupogen that you need to self inject in your tummy for 3 consecutive days to stimulate the bone marrow to produce wbc".

the neupogen drug really works but it comes with a price of course. in addition to chemo side effects, i have to also deal with neupogen side effects of achy bones, more nausea and general unwellness. i felt so damn lousy but before i have time to recover-cylce 2 treatment 1 is due.

well, the vomiting cycle begin all over again. this time it hit me so hard that i can barely get up. chemo has cumulative effect. toxins build up + a weaker body = i'm in agony. there are many occasions i almost pass out in the toliet while puking away...the broke of cold sweats...the lightheadedness... at times, i was so weak that even taking shower was strenous to me to the extent that i will be gasping for air for at least 10 minutes in order to calm my heart and regain my composure. my tastebuds gone and everything taste like plastic to me...even till now. many nights, i laid down in bed with my head feeling twice its size and a very very empty stomach and yet i can't sleep...i can't eat.

"WHY?"....why am i taking it so bad...is it something i do...or didn't do???? i just need to know and this is what my oncologist said,

"it depends on the drug and the regimen. based on clinical trial for your regimen, people under these categories "men, old (>55) and alcoholic" tends to torelate very well. obviously, you are none of the above and that's why you suffer a bit more. poor you. you are so little and we did tortured you quite a bit-huh?"

wait..wait..wait...'little?' i'm thin but not 'little' ....can't help but wonder- am i diminishing in size so obviously?
if what he said is true (my hubby said it's true as he checked it out in the internet), then there is nothing i can do but bite the bullet. come to think of it, i have very low tolerance for alcohol...usually i will go straight to vomiting before i even have a chance to get drunk...just imagine, i will get all flush, tipsy, giggly just eating chicken rice wine. Moreover, i have very low torelance for medicine too. believe me that i have not taken more than 10 panadol tablets in my whole life. after my lung surgery, i already cut down the pain killers from 3x to only 1x (before bed) on the 4th day...i rather bear with the pain than the drowsiness from the medication. and now, i felt like i'm having a hangover everyday.

anyway, my oncologist said for my size, probably they can lower the dosage slightly in my next treatment and think that it's still going to be effective. currently i'm at maximum dosage and they will lower the dosage by 10% in the next cycle. i'm not sure this is good or bad. 10% is not much but if size really matter, then probably i'm overdose...European men (it's an European regimen) are easily twice my size. but then again, if i'm going to suffer no matter what- then i rather suffer for 4 months intensely for treatment that will work. i'm so confused. i will think about it when the next cycle comes.

i'm feeling good today but not long, i'm going for treatment again tomorrow. i have not step out the house for the past 2 weeks and i feel like going for reflextology today. gotta be careful though. when i went in for my cycle 2 tmt 2 last Tuesday, my wbc was rigth at the borderline and the treatment would probably reduced it to unacceptable level by now. so, i'm in danger zone again- non existence immune system. i have a feeling when i go in for my treatment tomorrow, my wbc will be so low, they will give me neupogen again.....*sigh* i told you it's an unstoppable vicious cycle.

cheerio for now.


(1) at the time when i'm feeling so blue and beaten, a courier came in with a message "THERE IS HOPE" - it's a prominent title of a book. i can't help but let out a few giggles. as i read the book, i'm reminded that there are people out there that been through worst and yet they are surviving today. thank you all with love embedded in my heart:

Jasmine. Dinah. Agnes. Hui Sia. Evageline. Yvonne. Sue. Michelle. Ivy. Jesslyn. Annie Q. LB. Mom of Cairo. Cheryl. Chew Lee. King's Wife. Sylvia Hoo. Twinilla Kok. Eileen. Sasha. Pearl. Chanel. Tracy.

dear Jasmine, thanks for the letter. i enjoyed reading it....you made me laugh. i will try to post something about the kids next time.

(2) my dear Anne, Kartina and Claudia, thanks for the lovely card and pick me messages. love you gals much.

(3) dear Chanel, thanks for the tips on Emend. i did asked for it but according to my oncologist and the nurses, Emend is the strongest form of anti-nausea and it will make me extremely fatique that i might end up bed ridden. so, they didn't give me Emend last round but they are considering giving it to me in my next cycle.