....it's all good....

i promised a few good friends to always keep them inform of my well being and one of them reminded me that i can update my progress in this blog. this people wants to know because i'm in their mind and they really do care. so, i'm not doing this out of obligation but because i have them at heart too.

i'm recovering superbly. really really well. the incision pain and bruised ribs reduces to a torelable level.... consider that bygones. if you happen to see me, you can't tell at all what has just happened to this body and mind. you will probably still see me smiling.

i had an appointment with my oncologist last Saturday. actually, he is the 3rd oncologists that i have seen. i went to the 1st two for the wrong reasons. although every oncologist will have a slight different opinions on the recommended drug and its dosage but it should not differ drastically as most of them follow a standard protocol to treat the type and stage of cancer based on extensive trial carried out. you can easily check that out in the internet.

so, my 1st choice is of location and conveniency of the hospital, which turned out to be so wrong because i was so discouraged by how things are managed by this onco center. they practice 1st come 1st basis on appointment day, which mean if you have an appointment on Wed, you still need to come early to get your #. i had my appointment at 9am and i didn't get to see the oncologist until 4pm. i saw patient on wheelchair coming in for treatment...waiting since morning...eating packed lunch and was not attended to till afternoon. this is a private hospital and it appear to be so inefficient. i work for a company that focus highly on customer experience and this people really need to learn a thing or two about patient experience.

then i shift my 2nd choice to focus on efficiency, a more comfortable atmosphere and not that far from home either. i like this onco center...less tense...more cozy... but the chemo drug and regimen recommended made me sceptical. the drug is not extensively trialled for my condition...i feel like a guinea pig. i'm not taking the chance and hence, i seek another opinion and i'm glad i did. i went back to the hospital that i had my operation earlier...it wasn't really that far but it's in KL and how silly am i to think avoiding traffic jam should be part of the reason to choose the right oncologist or onco center.

we are talking about cancer treatment...it should instill a longer term relationship with my doctor and what's more important than trust and confident with your doc. yep, i'm comfortable with him.

when he first saw me, he commented with a very friendly smile:

" ahhh...so, you are the one. heard so much about you before i meet you and finally, i get to see you in person..."

of all places, i never thought i can be famous in a hospital (lol- just joking). for some of you that i constantly updated during my stay at the hospital, you can probable guess why. i intend to write that down too- for my own sake...just in case, if the going get tough, i can always refer back to this period of time to gather my strength.

anyway, the opening comment is not the reason i decided to go with this onco. of all the 3, he is the only one that bother to take some time to ask me how am i doing after the surgery....someone that show a little compassion...a little concern over the welfare of his patient, rather that just going through the motion of "okay, this is what you have and this is what we are going to do....blah...blah....blah". so, he is my doc now.

here are what we are going to do:
1. i will undergo a minor surgery to insert a chemo port (below the collarbone) on the 18th. instead of rupturing a vein everytime they give me the chemo drug, they will just poke a needle to this port and the drug will go straight to my heart and pump all over my body. even though it just a minor surgery but i still shudder at the thought of another surgery. the chemo port is not a must but it's advisable to have-so, i'm getting it.

2. i will start chemo on the 26th this month for the next 4 months. a combination of two anticancer drugs on week 1, one drug on week 2, 3 and 4, which make up of one cycle. the long list of side effects of the drug make me shudder, shudder and shudder.....but this is something i just need to push on.

on the way to the hospital, i started crying out of a sudden and of course, i pushed my husband's panic button.
he fumbled a little " honey, why are you crying? is everything okay? are you in pain?"
i replied " please look in front and focus on your driving...when i'm done...i will tell you why."

so, he let me cry for a while and when i'm done, i told him,
"i just got thru a major surgery and my body is just about to adapt and now, i have to once again subject this body to another harsh chemo treatment...that made me sad. i know this is something that must be done. i try not to be scared...i try to be strong but at time, i need to let my guard down and cry a little ...just to take care of my emotional pain. I'm okay now".


right now, i think i'm ready.