....it's all good....
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
behind the scene
SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL FITRI to my muslim friends. (a bit late but I’m sure you are still in Raya mood ☺).
yippee, treatment is finally over but damn, i’m down with a flu. my fault - thinking it was my final round and decided not to have anymore injections but to let my body heal by itself. am still stuck with low blood count- both red and white. i’m so anemic that my heart is working extra time trying to get enough blood circulating to supply oxygen for the body…. feel like i’m running a non stop marathon even though i’m doing nothing and to make it worst, i added a ‘flu’ flavor.
anyway, i'm past the running nose stage and now moving into the annoying coughing stage. no mucus….just very, very trickles throat. my throat is so sore from all the coughing (just hope i don’t get an infection). contemplating whether i should go see my doc….really don’t feel like going back so soon after treatment ended. since i don't have fever, maybe i will wait till end of this week and if i don’t get better, i will go and see him first thing next week.
unfortunately, i passed my germs to my hubby and Matt too.
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wowie- thanks for the comments…..i can’t help giggling reading them. you made me feel like a sexy cancer babe…hahahahaha. despite all the imperfections and flaws, you all look beyond it and made me feel like a million dollar bucks (ok, maybe not a million) when i feel more of a dollar worth. thank you.
to be very frank, i had a mini trauma ‘that day’ and it sent me running to the saloon to have my head shave. let’s go behind the scene and find out why….
i had treatment that day. the nurse was prepping me for the treatment and I casually mentioned to her, “i missed my period last month”.
she replied very matter of factly (and i sincerely believe she don’t have the intention of freaking me out), “you still have your period for the last few months? usually patients will go straight to menopause after just one round of cisplatin (the chemo drug)”.
lightning strike…followed by loud thunder…and i got short circuited right there and then. light bulb off and i panicked. i know i’m gonna be infertile from chemo and i’m fine with that but early menopause??? i'm so not prepared for that. i need to talk to my doc and I did, here is what he said,
“for your age, maybe you won’t go into early menopause. chemo can really mess up your body and you will probably miss your period for the next few months……………(he paused- no,no,no…and then he continued). but there is a 5% chance that you may actually go into pre-mature menopause”.
5% risk doesn’t seem a lot but nonetheless, i’m upset. I don’t want early menopause- no! you probably wonder- what is it got to do with me shaving my head?
if you noticed, from the day i’m diagnosed till now, cancer has its way of taking valuable things away from me…doing terrible things to me…diminishing my quality of life through and through …..and there is this expectation that i should be thankful for all that is happening because that's the only way to save my ass.
“….we need to cut off your lung and you should be thankful that we are able to do that to save your life….
….we need to cut you up a little more to put in a chemo port and for that, you should be grateful that we don’t have to prick your veins for blood and treatment….
….we need to poison you and make you really sick but not enough to kill you and you should be thankful that all the side effects are only temporary….
….your hair gonna fall off and you gonna look like a sicko but be thankful that you are still alive….etc. etc.”
if you get all dressed up but step on poo the minute you walk out that door, you will probably get furious and even curse a little….if you go to the saloon and burnt a big hole in your pocket for the latest hairstyle but came back with a bad hair perm, you will probably be upset and go on and on about it whole day.
i’m just as human as anybody…having cancer doesn’t make me any less human. why can’t i be upset over missing body parts and treatment that made me so sick and weak? it’s not natural…it’s not human that I should be thankful instead. the truth is i can’t be angry with people that cut off my body parts or even poison me cause these are the people that are trying to save me life. i have to get the frustration out....can't keep it in and let it swallow me up.
so, i ended up lashing out at cancer....tried to play a little tug of war with it instead.
yeah, i shaved my head because I DECIDED i want to be bald.....and not because of cancer.
i know that is so lame. i’m not sure about other illness but cancer make you feel like you are losing control of your body…as if something else has taken over your life, your body and treating it so badly. i don’t want cancer to have a say in everything and i shaved my head just to piss it off that i want to be bald and not because of it. i know i sounds like i gone mental BUT to have that feeling of being able to take control again over my body – no matter how trivia, how absurd –is very reassuring! it give you a little power in a helpless situation.....and it shows in the photos taken that day, ain't it?
i have written a very long post and i can still go on and on about it. i better cut it off and end it here with a message to the universe.
"screw cancer. i want my period back".
(i'm feeling a little piss today...piss at cancer generally. just heard bad news that the mom of someone close to my heart is diagnosed with cancer.)
yippee, treatment is finally over but damn, i’m down with a flu. my fault - thinking it was my final round and decided not to have anymore injections but to let my body heal by itself. am still stuck with low blood count- both red and white. i’m so anemic that my heart is working extra time trying to get enough blood circulating to supply oxygen for the body…. feel like i’m running a non stop marathon even though i’m doing nothing and to make it worst, i added a ‘flu’ flavor.
anyway, i'm past the running nose stage and now moving into the annoying coughing stage. no mucus….just very, very trickles throat. my throat is so sore from all the coughing (just hope i don’t get an infection). contemplating whether i should go see my doc….really don’t feel like going back so soon after treatment ended. since i don't have fever, maybe i will wait till end of this week and if i don’t get better, i will go and see him first thing next week.
unfortunately, i passed my germs to my hubby and Matt too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
wowie- thanks for the comments…..i can’t help giggling reading them. you made me feel like a sexy cancer babe…hahahahaha. despite all the imperfections and flaws, you all look beyond it and made me feel like a million dollar bucks (ok, maybe not a million) when i feel more of a dollar worth. thank you.
to be very frank, i had a mini trauma ‘that day’ and it sent me running to the saloon to have my head shave. let’s go behind the scene and find out why….
i had treatment that day. the nurse was prepping me for the treatment and I casually mentioned to her, “i missed my period last month”.
she replied very matter of factly (and i sincerely believe she don’t have the intention of freaking me out), “you still have your period for the last few months? usually patients will go straight to menopause after just one round of cisplatin (the chemo drug)”.
lightning strike…followed by loud thunder…and i got short circuited right there and then. light bulb off and i panicked. i know i’m gonna be infertile from chemo and i’m fine with that but early menopause??? i'm so not prepared for that. i need to talk to my doc and I did, here is what he said,
“for your age, maybe you won’t go into early menopause. chemo can really mess up your body and you will probably miss your period for the next few months……………(he paused- no,no,no…and then he continued). but there is a 5% chance that you may actually go into pre-mature menopause”.
5% risk doesn’t seem a lot but nonetheless, i’m upset. I don’t want early menopause- no! you probably wonder- what is it got to do with me shaving my head?
if you noticed, from the day i’m diagnosed till now, cancer has its way of taking valuable things away from me…doing terrible things to me…diminishing my quality of life through and through …..and there is this expectation that i should be thankful for all that is happening because that's the only way to save my ass.
“….we need to cut off your lung and you should be thankful that we are able to do that to save your life….
….we need to cut you up a little more to put in a chemo port and for that, you should be grateful that we don’t have to prick your veins for blood and treatment….
….we need to poison you and make you really sick but not enough to kill you and you should be thankful that all the side effects are only temporary….
….your hair gonna fall off and you gonna look like a sicko but be thankful that you are still alive….etc. etc.”
if you get all dressed up but step on poo the minute you walk out that door, you will probably get furious and even curse a little….if you go to the saloon and burnt a big hole in your pocket for the latest hairstyle but came back with a bad hair perm, you will probably be upset and go on and on about it whole day.
i’m just as human as anybody…having cancer doesn’t make me any less human. why can’t i be upset over missing body parts and treatment that made me so sick and weak? it’s not natural…it’s not human that I should be thankful instead. the truth is i can’t be angry with people that cut off my body parts or even poison me cause these are the people that are trying to save me life. i have to get the frustration out....can't keep it in and let it swallow me up.
so, i ended up lashing out at cancer....tried to play a little tug of war with it instead.
yeah, i shaved my head because I DECIDED i want to be bald.....and not because of cancer.
i know that is so lame. i’m not sure about other illness but cancer make you feel like you are losing control of your body…as if something else has taken over your life, your body and treating it so badly. i don’t want cancer to have a say in everything and i shaved my head just to piss it off that i want to be bald and not because of it. i know i sounds like i gone mental BUT to have that feeling of being able to take control again over my body – no matter how trivia, how absurd –is very reassuring! it give you a little power in a helpless situation.....and it shows in the photos taken that day, ain't it?
i have written a very long post and i can still go on and on about it. i better cut it off and end it here with a message to the universe.
"screw cancer. i want my period back".
(i'm feeling a little piss today...piss at cancer generally. just heard bad news that the mom of someone close to my heart is diagnosed with cancer.)
posted by lisaOne at 8:54 PM
13 Comments:
Lisa, I feel so happy that you are such motivated and positive.I believe that God will provide you the strength to fight the battle. Me and the rest of your friends will continue to support you in our prayer....
Well done and you are Great....
a7mobile
Hey I am glad that the chemo is all over for you. Great battle you put through. Now relax and let your body stabilized. I am sure your period will come back. Think positive!
Haha.. can't help but to bring a smile..
You can still write such a candid post with a flu, and while running a marathon. Good la you! :P
Anyway, hope your flu gets better.. and lets screw cancer together!
you decribe and write stuff so well. yea screw cancer!!!
I was beginning to wonder how this superwoman could do it.. retain her sense of humour and remain so upbeat and positive ALL the time!! But luckily you are also human, and get pissed with all the crap you and your body have been exposed to! :D
And yes, you look like a million bucks! Don't let anyone, or anything tell you otherwise! :)
You such a strong person, i salute you. Takecare of yourself and relax.
haha u are so funny...and I think it's a right move to screw that cancer and take control of your life back ;). time to ask cancer to fly kite haha
Lisa, your best post so far. You have every right to be angry. And yes, double and triple screw the cancer!
Hi there take care and god bless u :D Cheers!
Hey Lisa, you're such a positive and strong lady! I'm happy for you that the worst is over, look ahead and i'm sure you'll have many many bright and happy days ahead! :)
Take good care! *hugs*
Hi Lisa, I shall remain anonymous today but I'm sure you can guess who I am. I haven't read your blog till today due to the tough week I had last week. But this post was cool! Hey you're almost there in getting your life back. It was a tough (tough is an understatement) 6 months but you pulled thru. Soon you can get back to doing things you love eg. taking pics of Mat and Bran, shopping for new clothes to fit your svelt figure, maybe pig out over buffet spread... But for now, fight that damn flu and get the blood cells up. About the hair, yeah I think you look better bald or perhaps a short crop will be even better. Forget about having long hair man! Don't bother rebonding or buying expensive L'oreal shampoo or serum etc. A short crop will make you look really chic and saves you the hassle. And it's not bec of cancer! It's bec you CHOOSE to keep your hair short!!!
As for my mom, we have scheduled the mastectomy on 3 Nov. I know she will hate how she looks in the mirror, but it will prolong her life. It's her coughing that is disturbing. We are visiting a GP tomorrow to get some medicine to relieve the symptoms a bit. I wonder if the doctor will allow us to keep the damn tumour so we can throw darts at it, chop it up, burn it or step on it.... what sweet revenge...
Anyway, Lisa, thanks for your thoughts and mention of my mom...
Take care!!
Lisa, I'm glad that your chemo is over & it's great to read your thots. You're one tough gal and I'm sure you'll finish this battle victorious! Rest well, gain strength and God bless!
Grace
great to know that ur chemo is over .... hehe i like the way you say 'screw cancer' ... u really sound candid. stay positive always ... :)
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