....it's all good....

for the past weeks, i'm recovering so well from chemo despite having flu and some annoying never-seems-to-go-away cough. i'm just feeling too good to be bothered with a slight cough and running nose.

the coughing came back on and off. eventually it deteriorated. i felt difficulty in breathing and even wheezing at certain time. of course i started to worry -i only have one lung and i intend to keep it healthy. so, i ran back to my doc for assurance.

i generally feel good (apart from the coughing), there is no pain, no fever - so, we decided to do a simple chest x-ray and it’s not necessary to bring forward the PET scan. i’m fine with the arrangement cause i don’t think it has anything to do with cancer either. i’m thinking- you can’t be feeling this good if you have cancer chewing up your internal organs, right?

i was optimistic until they kept me waiting. if you have done chest x-ray before, you should know the result will be out in minutes. however, i waited for an hour and i still didn’t get my result. i saw people who took the x-ray after me got theirs and there is still no sign of my result.

tension heighten ….i started to fidget….pacing back and forth to the counter asking the reception to check. they finally told me that the staff is in the midst of typing the report. and then more waiting. how long does it take to type a report? another 30 minutes has passed.

there I was…sitting so uptight….biting my lips….twisting my thumbs…delving into the darkest crevices of my brain thinking up the worst.
shit- something must have shown in the x-ray. they are possibly identifying it. or diagnosing it now. that’s why it take them so long. if they can see it in a simple chest x-ray, that must mean the tumor is of certain size already. stupid chemo treatment is not working and the cancer has spread in the past few months. are they going to dissect my lung again? will i be able go through all that and take it all over again?..........

at that moment, it’s intense. no matter how hard i try, i can’t make the negative thoughts go away. i can’t convince myself that i’m fine. thinking about it now- scan, waiting for results and uncertainty will be part of my life routine. knowing that i’m at ‘high risk’ of dying in the next few years is my life verdict now.

even though the cancer may go away someday, knowing that you had cancer doesn’t. the fear of it coming back doesn’t go away either. anyway, it’s not something i want to forget. it’s just something i need to learn to live with. dealing with cancer is not only about taking care of your body but much to do with mental management too.

the report at the end stated my lung is clear with the impression that i had bronchitis. right now, the cough has subsided considerably and hopefully, i will be a-ok soon.



i have been scanning some old pictures and here are some of the pictures that caught my attention at this moment.



many, many years ago I went on a vacation to this beautiful place called Lake District in England (photo downloaded from the web). we were staying in a friend’s boathouse afloat and overseeing the lake. every morning we woke up to this mesmerizing almost surreal computer generated kinda landscape. the weather was superb. it's awesome.



then someone suggested that we should climb one of the hills as shown in the picture above. it’s great to incorporate some activities to spice up a holiday but hiking is not something I will pursue. i’m afraid of height and i have a weak knee. an injured knee actually. a torn miniscus on my left knee. but of course i went along with the troop....i don't want to miss the fun. although it's not really that fun to me.

some of the paths were quite steep. half of the time, i was struggling to keep up, don’t fall, keep going, don’t look down and don’t injure yourself.



it was such a relief when we finally reached the top but before I recoup my poise, it’s time to descend again. going down may not demand as much energy level as going up but nonetheless, it still requires a lot of concentration and labor. most of time, i tried to stay low to the ground to keep a low center of gravity. when we reached the base, I was covered all over with mountain sheep ‘poo poo’- serious, no kidding.



do you see what I see now? the scenery is so beautiful. the white dots are sailing yacht amidst calm water against backdrop of green dewy hills. i still remembered vividly struggling so hard going up and coming down the hill (and the sheep poo) but only a vague memory of what surrounding us during the expedition. i failed to see the most important part of the mission at that time, to simply enjoy the voyage and pause for the view.

this is to remind myself to take in the experience of life even though it’s not pleasant at time. even though you may require to struggle a little, life remains beautiful and do pause to look around whenever in doubt.

you dunno yet what is yet to come. so, DON’T MISS LIFE when you have it now.

dear dear Dawn and anybody else, dont worry about asking me anything about cancer. i really don't mind talking about it at all. it's never what people said that upset me but it's more of an internal struggle at time adjusting to a change of life. thanks for the words of encouragement....many people have survive cancer nowadays and YES, WE NEED MORE SURVIVORS!!!!!