....it's all good....

a dear friend once asked me "all this must be so surreal to you-huh?"

well, when i feel healthy and yet someone told me that i'm so sick that i can actually die from it...it's hard to believe. i saw the tumor in the x-ray..the CT scan but since there is no physical pain or symptom or whatsoever to substantiate it ...yes, indeed - it's so surreal.

however, the surrealism quickly turned to realism when i was lying down on the operating table before the surgery. the chilly cold room..the sterile smell..the harsh lighting..busy nurses..the anathesist tap-tapping the back of palm looking for a vein to poke - at the moment, it felt real. i know i will feel real pain the minute i wake up from the operation. there is this intense fear that i will wake up to and not from a nightmare...as if like i'm giving recognition to this disease. fortunately, they knocked me off soon enough. otherwise, i may have just step down and walk out the room.

i was scheduled for a lobectomy operation on 15 May 2007 10.30am. it's a surgery to desect/remove the lower lobe of my left lung, where the tumor was seen in the x-ray/ct scan. the right lung is divided into three lobes while the left lung is slightly smaller with 2 lobes to give way to the heart. The operation itself usually takes about 2 - 3 hours. i'm expected to be in ICU for 2 days and to remain in the hospital for 10 days.

i was told i was transferred out from Op Theatre to ICU around 1.30pm. i'm not sure what time it is when i first woke up but i saw my surgeon right away. he was talking but i'm not listening. i barely can keep my eyes open..my eyelids felt so heavy that i just can't keep it up for more than a few seconds. i know he was telling me about the operation but my mind was so fuzzy that i only managed to pick up one word 'pneumonectomy' and i fell right back to sleep with the word 'pneumonectomy'.

i woke up again at about 4pm and this time, i saw my hubby and he was holding my hand. although i'm still struggling to keep my eyes open, i can hear him very well.

"honey, the operation was smooth and uneventful, which mean there was no complication.....
honey, they found the tumor not in the lower lobe but in between upper and lower lobe... they have to do a pneumonectomy instead of a lobectomy...they removed your whole left lung...but the good news is - the tumor didn't touch the chest wall..the chest wall is safe. they have also removed the infected lymph nodes but you definitely needs chemo. dr Lee said you are young and strong...go for aggressive treatment..fight hard..you deserve a 2nd chance in life."

i'm not sure whether it's because i have slept on the word pneumonectomy earlier, the news didn't come out as a shock. i kinda just accepted it in peace. i had this oxygen mask on and i removed it so that i can speak,

"i'm going to be fine. i'm at ICU and they will take care of me. please go home, pick up the kids and take care of them..take good rest and come back to see me tomorrow, okay?"

that's all i managed to say..i spaced out and fell right back to sleep.
i'm not the only one wounded here...i can see it has infected him as well. the pain of just watching someone you love and care so much fell ill and yet there is nothing much you can do to help is just as extensive and real. i was in that shoe before and i know what he's going through. at least i have morphine for my pain..he need to deal with it on his own and that's not something we should trivialize. that's the reason why i don't want him to stay in the hospital with me..i want him to go home..he might not sleep well but the kids get to go home everyday and at least see their daddy, to maintain some normalcy in their life. the same reason why i don't want my parents to visit me when i'm still at ICU. i don't want them to see me like this. i'm a brave girl-i can handle this.

i didn't wake again until around 8pm. physically-i felt tonnes heavier..very limited movement.. general pain but not in an extreme degree. mentally-i'm so alert... no drowsiness..not at all dopey.

my surgeon came around this time and repeated in summary what he probably was trying to tell me earlier and what my hubby has already told me. before he left, he said,
"you need to pee. if you can't pee..please tell the nurse, they will help put in a catheter for you".

peeing may seems like such a natural thing to do but at that time, it was almost mission impossible. i'm so determined not to have the catheter that for the next 4 hours, i'm totally obsessed with 'pee'. every half an hour to an hour, i will buzz the nurse to bring me the bedpan. we let the faucet running..sipped water...tried to induce with "shiiii" sound ...sipped more water..tried semi sitting up in bed over the bedpan..sipped even more water but nothing works.

by 12.30am, the nurse came in to check and regrettably said it's more than 12 hours since i last peed and they have to put in a cathether in another 1/2 hour to avoid toxic build up. i felt so defeated. if i can't even get myself to pee, what's the odd of me beating cancer. very dissapointed with myself, i asked the nurse to just go ahead and insert the cathether instead of half an hour later.

so, she went out and came back with 2 other nurses and the necessary equipment. they poked around...nothing happen..they took turns to poke around...and nothing happen. they asked me "are you sure you have the urge to pee" and i replied "i have a bladder full".

it occured to me at that time that my mind is not letting it happen. no matter how they tried, it's just not happening. so, i asked them to remove everything and take me to the washroom instead. they have no problem removing the catheter but taking me to the washroom is another mission impossible...they have this look that says ''she must be high on morphine...that's must be morphine talk".

you see, i have a whole load of medical devices attached to me and getting me to even stand up will be a challenge. i'm not sure of all the medical devices name and function but let's try...1. the respirator -they removed the oxygen mask and replaced with tubes when i start talking 2. the ECG monitor with wires sticking out all over my chest to records activity of the heart 3. the pulse oxirecty- a sensor clip on my fingers to monitor oxygenation of my blood 4. the blood pressure reader on my arm 4. the iv drips 5.the morphine infusion pump 6. and that dreadful chest tube sticking out from my body to drain fluid and blood out of my chest cavity into a plastic bag.

they don't have to tell me why they are so reluctant- i just got it. so, i didn't pushed further...i don't want to get them in trouble. i asked for a potty instead ... or whatever..something that i can sit on to pee and we finally settled on a commode, a portable chair with removable toilet bowl. in order to get me on the commode, they have to temporary removed the ECG, respirator, the blood pressure and the pulse oxirecty. i have a nurse holding on to the iv, the morphine drip and the chest tube while the other two holding on to me left and right. they were so concern...continuously seeking assurances that i'm ok before i take any further steps...hang on- don't get up yet...do you feel ok? "yes, i'm fine... are you drowsy? no. i'm fine.. do you feel weak? no, i'm fine... please shake your leg a little..are they numb? no. i'm fine...eventually they helped me to stand up and sit down on the commode... and voila, i just let go...so naturally.

that's a lot of trouble for them to help me to pee and i appreciate the patience. when i' back on my bed with the devices all hooked back on except the respirator (which i decided to do without even though my oxygen level was slightly below par), i have this BIG smile on my face...a smile of satisfaction and accomplishment...a silly one- yes but nonetheless, i'm happy i made it at the end...just the way i want it.

such a strange day. i was put to sleep in fear..woke up minus one lung..and then obsessed over peeing..but the day ended with a big smile.

oh- rigth after, i felt hungry and ordered for some oats and soya milk...i had my breakfast at 3am...strange