....it's all good....

yep, indeed. one more yabadabadoo!!
my cancer marker reading when i was hospitalized @ 31 Oct 09:

CEA - 414.5
CA 125 - 148

and the most recent reading reviewed @ 23 Nov 09:

CEA - 266.5
CA 125 - 79

my onco said "this is good. very positive results. the x-ray and the marker. looks like IRESSA is working."

that said, i took out a piece of paper to show him my marker reading taken on 30 Sept 09 (which i have conveniently chucked aside because i was so fed up with the results and i was too sick to bother .. back then):

CEA - 649.1
CA 125 - 183.3

my marker already came down before i started IRESSA (649 to 414), even before i was hospitalized. how are we gonna explain that? surely there are things that cannot be explained medically, for instance

(1) why my marker came down without medical treatment? .. especially so, when i was so sick at that time.
(2) why the old metastasis dissappeared or diminishing without medical treatment? while there are new mestastasis to the bones at the same time?
(3) unlike conventional chemo, IRESSA don't kill cancer cells or get rid of tumours. it's supposed to stop cancer cells from dividing and growing and hopefully it will help patient to live longer. i don't think there is any survival under IRESSA treatment. eventually the body will get immune to the drugs and cancer cells will continue to grow.
so, i'm not convinced how IRESSA can get rid of all the nodules in such a short period of time. even if its true, i'm probably the first to yield this kind of result.

actually i don't expect my onco to give me an answer to any of the above. i don't think it's fair to him. moreover, he is my new onco.. he has no idea what i have been doing so far.. so, let's give him more time to know me better.
actually i kinda figured it out myself already.

for now, like what he said, just be happy with the positive results. yay! :D :D

btw, i do think that IRESSA is working for me.. and that is good news too cause at least i know i have something to fall back on. besides, if it's effective in stopping cancer cells from growing, i guess it's easier for us to just tackle existing cancer cells. so, i'm not taking off IRESSA at the moment but when my onco re-emphasized that i will have to take IRESSA indefinitely (i have a feeling he can sense i'm already plotting to get rid of IRESSA soonest possible :P), i told him,

"IF we manage to bring my marker down to normal and another PET SCAN show no more cancer cells.. i would like to stop IRESSA."

he looked at me like i'm a nut case but hey, i was still smiling at you when i was half dead... i wasn't smiling then... i was dead serious. then he said,

"no lisa, that's impossible. if you stop it will come back."

then i smiled. i understand and glad that he wants to keep me alive as long as possible, but...
i'm at advanced stage.. what's the survival rate?.. zero! even if IRESSA works wonder on me, how long can it keep me alive? 3 months., 6 months ..one year? is that good enough?

no, it's not good enough for me. i need to explore the impossible...
and i'm not afraid to.

but for the time being, just be happy with the positive results. yay! :D :D

i've been running around like a headless chicken lately. obviously i haven't grasp the concept of taking it easy :P
well, i like being busy... am trying to make use of whatever leftover steroid boost :P .. and yes, no more wobbly legs.. no more water retention.. no more puffy face..

i can jump..run..swing..shake my booty.. as good as before ;)
wanna tell you about pimples..my rashes... but there is something more important.. more exciting to tell you now..

this x-ray was taken on the day i was hospitalized. it look much worst than this in real film. anyway, it still look bizairre here.

my left lung is completely opaque as there is no left lung and it filled up with fluid or effusion. you can see a chemoport on the right with a line that connect to a major vein to the heart.


as per report, there are numerous right lung nodules suggesting mestastasis. the lung nodule, the white circular shadow are mass of tissue i.e. tumours. mestastasis to the lung- there call it nodules.. mestastasis to the bones- there call it lesion.

with a condition like that, everybody thinks i'm beyond hope... including myself... probably i can't even survive a week or two... but i'm too stubborn :P :P

this was taken Saturday (21 Nov 09).
yep. looking good. better than my expectation.

as per report, no lung nodule seen :D :D
the white leftover thingy noted in the right mid and lower zones reported possibly of end stage fibroses i.e. end stage of healing wounds.



yay!! amazing!!!
now, i want to know what my onco gonna say about this.
and i gotta get ready to see him now.
later *muacks*!

so sorry for being quiet again. been running on adrenalin rush lately. out of the house alot. so much energy despite wobbly legs still.
must be the steroids.

anyway, it has been a great past few days... hanging out with family and friends and the little fellas... yeah, need to incorporate more of all these from now on..

and eH! i look like a puffed up inflated doll lately from water retention ... swollen legs .. even face.. look kinda funny that my face suddenly turned so round.
must be the steroids.

i chucked the steroids into the wastebin... never to see again!
don't need it when we can have natural high :P

THANKS BLOGgers for the YUMMYLICIOUS scrapbooking lollies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i forgotten how pretty..candy sweet.. gorgeously alluring those scrapbooking lollies. so excited. like a kid admiring her goodies :) :)
LOVE THE SURPRISE PARCEL!! abit rusty on the creativity side but can't wait to dig my hands on it again this weekend!!!
most importantly,
T.H.A.N.K Y.O.U S.O M.U.C.H S.O M.U.C.H F.O.R B.E.I.N.G T.H.E.R.E A.L.L T.H.E.S.E W.H.I.LE F.O.R M.E .... can't emphasize enough..
*hug hug hug*

my doc thinks the white patchy thing in my lung are combination of tumours, infection and inflamation. it's okay. more importantly i'm breathing normally now. we gonna take another x-ray and blood test 10 days from now and see whether IRESSA is working. till then. we leave it.

when he said matter of factly, "lisa, you know that if IRESSA works, you are gonna take it indefinitely...",
i so wanna chuck IRESSA to the wastebin.. never to see again..

okay. maybe not now. one day.....
damn, i'm such a rebel :P

wow Chris, didn't know you read my blog. thank you. *hugs*
yeah.. i'm up since 5am...

when i came home the other day, my heartache to see my boys looking more haggard than their mom.
still recovering from flu.. thinner.. paler.. still active but definitely not truely themselves.



i can imagine how painful this must be for my parents when they saw me so ill. i must have looked sickly horrifying and heartbreaking to watch. at that time, i felt like i aged over 10 years.. thin and wrinkly.. unfunctional..sick and dying.

however, i'm receoveing at an amazing speed now. i have amazed even myself.

Michelle texted me, (i have to tell you about Michelle one day. she has such a beautiful soul that make me feel inadequate as a human in comparison).

"lisa, i'm going to 'ta pau' (take out) lunch and dinner from June's place and bring over to your house for you tomorrow."

sometimes i find her so fictional. like an angel sent from GOD .. and i'm not sure i deserve her.
anyway, i told her, "Michelle, i'm back on my feet again. i can walk, drive and even cook now :) i'm going for qigong tomorrow and i meet you up at June's place for lunch. I would love to see you".

yes. i'm fine now. very fine now. in fact, it feels amazing..amazing to tranform..

.. from almost bedridden and now moving around freely and functionally.
.. from starving to death and now eating 4-5 meals a day and appreciating every bite (might need to cut this down eventually but do let me enjoy it for now .. i need to fill up :P )
.. from feeling too-much-effort to just talk and now chatting ..giggling ..laughing away ..
.. from cautiously breathing of a hurting..what feels like a hemorrhaging lung and now, breathing naturally and effortlessly.
.. from dying to alive.

it feels like..
it's like..
it is................ amazing grace.


note: oh. please don't worry. i will take it easy and pace myself till i fully recovered my strength.

first of all, as mentioned earlier, it's confusing.. even contradictory.
so, let's take it as indicative rather than conclusive. opinions are based on expert findings and intrepretation, so, we take it as it is for now k?

here is a summary of my current status based on PET scan report and discussion with my physician.

(1) the old bits.
PET Scan done in March 2009, they dictated metastasis at my paratracheal nodes, pleural nodules, precarinal lymphnodes, mediastinum.
current scan result shows all the above has been RESOLVED or relatively DIMINISHED in size and FDG avidity, probably responding to treatment.

my physician asked whether i'm on any medical treatment for the past 6-7 months. well, IRESSA is yet to take effect and definitely cannot yield this kind of response within a week.
so, i guess whatever i'm doing in the past 6 months, something is working.
i have it at my lympnodes, one near my neck..it could easily gone up to my brain but it's under control.. resolved and diminishing. yay?!!

(2) the lung bits
when they took an x-ray, 3/4 of my right lung was in white opaque. i'm left with less than a quarter of clear airways. although they didn't rule out infection (i have no fever) but it's a very sad case as my doc said to me,
"lisa, this is really bad. possibly you might have infection as well although there is no fever, so, we gonna put you on antibiotic immediately but this look like your lung are filled up with tumours."
it look beyond doom and gloom at that time. it's so impossible to save myself with this kind of condition. but all i want for him to do at that time... i'm very sick. please make me feel better.

the scan conclusion (as extracted exactly):
the pulmonary infiltrates in the lower zone (the upper zone has cleared, i guess) of the right lung displaying mild FDG avidity are LIKELY to reprsesent an infective process. Please correlate clinically.

i read that para again and again. they didn't conclude it's tumours, hypermetabolic activity, metastasis, whatever ... they didn't conclude it's cancer cells (prolly because of the mild FDG avidity). they think it's more likely infection. OMgawd! OMgawd!
however, my physician is not convinced. he think it's partly infection but based on the x-ray, he also think those are tumours too. everyone are entitle to their opinions based on experience and expectise. let's leave it as it is now. if it's infection, it will clear. if it's not, then it's something else. time will tell. anyway, i''m already on treatment.

yay still??!!

(3) the not-so-good bits
unfortunately, it has spread to my bones with metastatic bony lesions in the T1, T2 & T7 vertebrae and right 2nd rib. i guess this causes the back pain.

it's confusing cause it's regressing (resolving and diminishing) and progressing (advancing) at the same time.
well, if you ask me, i think it's better than worst. i know, cancer is still cancer, stage 4 is still stage 4 but initially, i felt like i need to move Mount Himalaya to bloody save myself and based on the report, that challenge has scaled down tremendously. i would rather deal with the bones than then lung. trust me, it's easier to treat the bones if needed.

i think i can handle this.... so long i'm still breathing :) so, yay??!

note: appointment with my onco next Wed. further discussion on this.

sorry for the delay. i only received the report at 6 pm last evening.
and it's confusing.

my doc is away till next week and i don't want to write about it and probably confuse you until i at least speak to my overseeing physician this morning.


i need to get ready to discharge now... so, i will continue writing tonight.


for the time being, isit good news? yes, i would think so. isit bad news? i'm afraid there are bad news too. for sure, cancer is not gonna kill me just yet :)

a lot of the time i will lie in bed staring at the idiot box switching channels.. flipping through magazines..reading a book..

sometimes i will pace around the room casually.. at times, i may stand or strike an idiot pose either looking at the ceiling or the clock ticking away..

then i realized i fluff the pillows way too often.. squating down to check and re-arrange the fruits on the fruit basket.. subscosciously checking for any wandering ants on the floor too.. i start organizing and de-cluttering the room..


i even sorted and displayed magazines in a basket x_x

that say so much.
it's time to go home..







yes. i'm pretty much back on my feet again.. not 100% but good enough to move on.
i need to get out of this confinement. there is so much to do. i need to channel my energy for something more productive.. i need to get back into a routine soon.

i need a plan. a new plan.
i'm going home today :)

i'm yet to receive my PET Scan report.
they are making me nervous now..

the good news..
x-ray show improvement. though the lung still look patchy and congested but with reduced density. although the chemo drug is yet to take effect but any little improvement from whatever source or reason is still good news :)

this few days or past week..
i met up with so many friends i have not seen for months. it feels so good just to see them.. the warm bear huggies.. the chit-chat.. the catching up bit.. bringing in the giggles.. the smiles.. the life..

suddenly they made me realise i have put my life on hold for so long now.
i miss all these lovely people of my life. ladies, you gals look so gorgeous
(and Cyndi dear, i'm (secretly) happy that i get to see you again and again)

i miss life... i miss my life.

thank you all for sweetening my life without the sugar side effects. the best kind ever.
*lotsa hug and kisses*

today,
i'm going for my PET scan shortly. although nobody is optimistic at my stage and i'm prepared for whatever news. somehow, i do hope the scan don't turn out too bad. i do hope my other organs are spare of tumours.

wish me luck.

i wanted to tell you about Michelle but then i get weepy. so emo-laden lately and i think maybe i should post something light we can laugh instead. we need the laughter.

someone *vain-poked* me.
"lisaone!! at time like this.. you are still concern about acne... hmmmmmm..hello..acne?? what's the big deal?? don't be so vain la!!"

hahaha.. he made wanna roll off the floor and laugh that day.. only that i'm afraid i couldn't get up the floor later.
but honestly, i won't attempt to contradict that entirely cause despite being so sick, i can hear myself complaining..

1. geez, i have not used conditioner and my hair is so flat and dry..
2. oh no, my eyes so puffy and wa wa wa..it's getting smaller and smaller..
3. am i eating too much now? yor, i think my tummy start to bulge.. (not exactly complaining here. prefer the fill-up tummy rather that hollow tummy feeling)
4. yerrr..my face look so puffy too.. isit water retention? or finally flesh is filling up my sucken cheeks?
5. now.. the colours..
last week, i need to sit down.. not moving.. for at least 10-15 minutes after shower.. to allow the colour to return to my face and body. today my face flush after shower and not only the cheeks, i look like i'm wearing lipstick all the time.

sounds whooppie right?
now, 'the acne?? hmmmmmm...' bits cut in and kill the fun.
i can hear you say, "come on lisaone.. still harping on the acne meh?"
hear me out first ok? i let you *vain-poke-me* more later..

i was told, although the skin reactions from IRESSA (chemo drugs) can differ from people to people but many do suffer from acute acne problems. not just pimples but pus-like pimples condition that need special dermatologica care and some, even antiobiotic to treat infections. usually you can see the side effects after 2-3 weeks on IRESSA.

i'm on IRESSA almost a week now and the rosy cheeks actually kinda worries me that it may the onset of a coming skin reactions. so far, it's not sensitive to touch. in fact, it feels good (maybe because of the water retention :P).

i can still hear you saying.." but still.. pimples only wor..?" hahaha
alright alright. here is the thing.

few weeks ago i thought i couldn't make it alive for Christmas but today, i just hope - "please don't make me look too ugly this Christmas".

that's a huge leap of faith k? from not surviving this christmas to surviving christmas looking not-too-ugly :P

suddenly i feel like going shopping. real shopping. new clothes. new make-ups. just wanna look good and feel good again. *vain poke. vain poke*
and can't wait for Christmas shopping spree too.....

does it jive being sick and still vain?
being sick makes you want to treat your body better.. make it better..
being vain makes me feel alive :)

now,
a. can someone please teach me photoshop? otw, how to show you my face later?
b. since i was so bold enough to show you my baldy head before, maybe i'm just as gutsy to show my pimply face too.
c. there is no or minimal side effects from IRESSA at all.

i'm rooting for c.

the day i was admitted,
i was so weak..
i felt like passing out any minute, any second..
i need a wheelchair to move me around..
i don't have the energy to even take off my sandal for a proper weighing..
i weighed 37.8kg... lost almost 4 kgs in mere 2 months.. i was all skin and bones...
i can't stand up for 5 minutes without my lips, finger and toe nails turning blue due to lack of O2 circulation..
i constantly broke out in cold sweats and my hands trembled..
i was too breathless to even talk..
i bumped into a friend who was there for her doc appointment and she cried the minute she saw me..

that day, i felt like i can die.. easily..
but all that i can think of at that time - "how can i survive this?"
not surviving cancer .. just the crisis itself.. i need to get past that.. that's all i need to do.. we will deal with cancer later.

you know what? i think i did.
i'm feeling 10000x better..
my O2 level went up to 98 with O2 aid and without 96..
i can walk around slowly without O2 aid and not breathless..
my colours are good..
i can eat very well..
my pastor told me today, "if i don't know how sick you are, you look normal and healthy"..
i'm stable now and can be discharged (on Friday actually) but to ease the worries of family members who want me to stay a little longer... i'm extending my stay for their peace of mind..

however, i miss the boys terribly.. especially after such conversation..


Matt: "mummy, i have something to tell you.. i was caught in the rain today and i think i'm gonna be sick. you didn't come home to sleep for so many nights.. when are you coming home to see me?"

that hurts. being too sick to be a mom... hurts.
anyway, the kids paid a short visit yesterday. both having flu and coughing.. hence, the face masks.

for now, i will settle for just feeling good to be able to hold, touch and hug them..
life is still good.