....it's all good....

i dunno why.
maybe it has something to do with the time i completed chemo.. and i was bald.. and then my hair started to grow again.. that feelings of starting all over or even moving on to a new lease of life. it form a habit.

i did it again.
everytime i have to start over, i have the urge to cut my hair!!
no wonder i can't keep it long anymore :(

so, yesterday after qigong, i once again stepped foot inside a hair salon... and spent unnecessary $$... and came out feeling regretful that i did it again.

but i guess it's a ritual created to please the mind and soul.. or my case, sanity.

so, snip, snip, snip away..














i decided this time i should go for a little highlight, i wanted colours .. (just like tuti :P)












and here it is.
it surely truly won't look like this again the next wash, or even the next morning, which is now :(
i perceive it as high maintenance. my hair is not super straight and i probably need to blow it after every wash, which is everyday.
it's not for the look but for the soul then..

i had the most awesome qigong last night. a special class for disciples and for protection during the qingming festival. so much 'qi' till i'm no longer zoning out like a zombie but wide awake and energized at the end of a 2 hours session. in fact, too awake till i can't sleep last night @_@


anyway, let me introduce you to my qigong sifu.
Master Suolang Yixi.
I'm actually having a break in the middle of qigong class now. So I tell you more next time 'k.

btw, please don't feel sorry for me. as a matter of fact, I'm not sorry at all I have to get rid of iressa. honest!

i see my parents at least once a week. a couple of days ago my dad said, "you don't look so good, the colour is off your face. are you okay?"

right at this moment, i'm extremely fatigue.. so fatigue that i might doze off half way writing this. so bear with me if i dont make much sense..... but i do know what i'm doing :)

for facebooker friends, i guess you know i have stopped Iressa. exactly a week now and with me complaining of being fatigue and not looking so well doesn't sounds like a good sign.

the truth is all these are part of Iressa side effects that i experienced every certain days or weeks of the month.. kinda riding high at pre-menstrual. well, that's what i observed ever since i started Iressa and unfortunately, the side effects list are getting longer and longer.

initially i wrote down a whole long list of side effects with photos but i deleted them coz i want to keep this entry short (or shorter). just this one- last 2 weeks, i had a terrible nose bleed. within seconds, both my hands are covered with blood with it dripping off to my shirt, jeans and the floor. that's my first nosebleed and so far, the only time. and yes, it's iressa side effect. i wonder what's next, blood in my urine?

anyway, side effects are not the reason i stopped iressa. the worsening side effects are just indicator of toxin build up. the fatigueness i'm feeling now is something like when i had chemo but of course in a much much much much much milder scale. during chemo, i can fall asleep half way eating, standing or even walking :P

and yes, i stopped iressa without my doctor consent.
i can hear voices in my head "hello, are you attempting suicide? you are doing so well with Iressa,why stop?"

i did mention iressa dont get rid of cancer cells, it just stop the cells from dividing and growing (i will spare you the medical explanation). there is no survivor under iressa treatment. as far as i know, none of the patients survived more than a year.

i have been monitoring myself very closely. although my marker is still coming down but it has flatten out, rather stagnant. there is 2 very likely explanations to this:

(1) if Iressa has been working all along, it has lost its effect. eventually your body will get immune to the drugs and cancer cells will start to overpower and grow again. that's why the drug is to prolong patient's life and that's why there is no survivor.

(2) if Iressa is not working at all in the first place while something else does. after 5 months of toxin build up, whatever that are helping me initially are losing their effects now or has been channeled to heal or minimize the body from iressa's side effects instead.

who knows? i don't know. my doc won't know. it's all a guessing game until you proved it right.

if you look at the chart, my marker hit the highest at end of Sept 09 but already trending down in the month of Oct 09. i had my blood test just 2 days i started Iressa and it has dropped by >200 points?? Iressa is not miracle pill, it don't work that way. i have been told over and again that Iressa don't get rid of cancer cells and it will take 3-4 weeks before it take effects. so, is it really Iressa helping me? or it just a co-incidence that it was there at the right time and right moment to be showered in glory of something that it didn't do? who knows? and i want to find out...

it's not about courage, its about survival.

once again, i repeat iressa has no surviving patient. if i'm taking the treatment, i will still die of cancer. i'm already feeling the toxin build up and my body is getting weaker. it's time i have to give myself a chance to survive this before its too late.

just imagine, if you are strap on a time bomb that is ticking away. tick tick tick tick... and its getting louder and louder. you either let it tick till its time up or you take the chance to cut that damn wire. it's a risk, i know. i have no idea which is the right wire to cut but wouldn't you take that chance? or you rather let it tick tick away?

i don't want to contribute to the 'no survival' Iressa statistics.
that's why i'm taking this chance. the only chance that i might have while i still can.

at times, all we need is to take a moment to listen to our body.
and i'm listening...

just to loosen up the tension. my boys like these pic of me. they said i look like ultraman superheroes squad team :P

i wish i have that superpower to keep going to :)


note: i will monitor my self closely this month and i will report here more frequently (at least once a week) so that you know my progress.