....it's all good....

given the user-friendly application of iphone for FB and the ease of downloading photos directly from iphone. i tend to update FB more frequently than my blog.

for those of you who like to add me as friends in FB, please do so.
my e-mail add: lisawpp@hotmail.com

just drop me a message that you are following my blog :)

i'm so sorry for not posting again.
I AM OKAY :D ;D .......... still very me for sure.

so many unfinished tasks.
it took me ages to download the detox retreat photos and now still waiting for me to pen a few notes..
i haven't got the chance to take photos of my supplements to show you just yet..
and i will be away this Friday till Monday to Sipadan for qigong excursion. yaaaabadabadoo!

i still can't believe i'm going to Sipadan. i can't even remember when is my last beach bumming :P
but..but they say no swimming agenda.. WHAT???
okay then. at least i get to feel the breeze on my face, smell in the salty air and soak in the beautiful sight.

for the first time i'm going to the seaside not knowing what to pack!!
bikinis? out!! no way. qigong is a different world altogether.
besides the island, i think we are going to the forest and up the hill for qigong too.
anyway, i just borrowed a football socks from a dearie buddy to prevent leeches bites. *leeches* *shiver*
know of any better precaution with the leeches?
and hah! my supplements. i can't possibly bring a whole bag of supplements without drawing attention. that whole bag i show you previously is actually for 2 weeks supply only. can you imagine?

anyway, too much to do. too little time. so, can i leave you with this for the time being? what is this?

my boys trying to get my attention when i was trying to download photos in my blog (over the weekend).
ah-ah, that's my notebook screensaver.
ah-ha, that's me. in my new swimsuit..
look damn fit like that! but actually i'm super skinny waifism still.
i realize i look much better in photos than in real life..
and so, i decided i should really just appear in graphics or images only :P :P

my boys are super duper lovey dovey lately. they keep saying mummy going away again for 3 days.
i miss you already. awwwwww
can i make you a card to bring with you? awwwwww
so melting i tell you... with them all over me :)

feel a little morbid lately.. decided to go with the mood..
black is the colour...

a dialogue with my onco:

onco: "lisa, the nodules are back in the lung" (as in the xray).
me (defensive): " but my marker is coming down...."
onco: "we don't depend on marker results, xray give a better indication."
me (defensive still :P): "but my markers have been a good indicator for the past 3 years."
onco: "lisa, let's continue iressa for another month, if the xray shows no improvement, i'm afraid you have to go on chemo again."

when you look into your onco's eyes and read this
"i can't save you but i can only treat you."

would you let him?

i hope he sees beyond the smile and read it in my eyes
"over my dead body."

i'm not trying to be smart or stubborn.
it's just too strange to make a choice on how you die when you are still so alive.


my xray shows spots again. actually it came back before i stopped iressa but look bigger and denser now. in CONTRARY, my marker results came down.

22 Mar - 129.4 ..i stopped iressa
2 apr - 187.9 .. back on iressa for 4 days before i went for my detox retreat and stopped again. i only started back iressa on 19 April
20 Apr -124.6

basically i was on iressa for 6 days only for the whole month.
confused?
who knows what is really going on?
yeap. i think even my body is confused now :P :P



anyway, get over it. live it up. and live on.
i got another month to prove myself??!.. sh00t!
the deadliest deadline ever.

love the black nail polish.. but not a good idea if you have to do dishes and housework. glamour and housechores doesn't go hand in hand. i guess the same with glamour and being sick.

someone told me just a week ago that the thing that could just possibly save me is my spirit.
today my spirit break a little.

have you ever cried for a stranger?
you might... if you can feel what he has gone through and to know that we fight the same battle, a battle which may lead to the same eventual destiny after all.

the colleague of a friend whom i told you about recently has passed away today.
he left behind a widow and two young kids.
RIP i-don't-even-know-his-name.

camwhoring with my boys :P
no hassle. easy peasy. just my iphone. our red couch. plenty of morning light.
a moment freeze :)

i have a lot to share but this boy is down with fever.
hence, need to pay attention and give him much more motherly tlc for speedy recovery at the moment.



i'm back from the retreat yesterday.. feeling a little tired but good and 3.5kg lighter. yep, lost another 500g on the last day. very bony now.. even my face a little sunken. back to the time when i was in the hospital weight but minus all the sickness. no regrets. so much to learn.

will blog once the boy is better.

I lost 3kgs!!!!!!!!!! Took me almost 5 months to gain 3kgs and gone in 5 days. yorr!!!
but I'm not the champion ok. Datuk Claudious lost 5kgs and he is a healthy man. damn jolly throughtout the program too! like going for vacation like that.

back to skin and bones.
but I don't feel sick. neither do I feel weak. dunno why, I have rosy cheeks some more...

6 days almost over. breaking fast tomorrow- yeah!!
going home.. miss the boys so much!!

recollection of a conversation with Matt.

Me: "Matt, please stop playing and eat your food."
Matt: "mom, do you know food is not the most important thing? with no air you can die very fast, second is water, then only food. you won't die so fast not eating for awhile."

that is so true!
I have been fasting more than 72 hours now. no food. no vitamins or supplements (only allow starting today). just water and maybe 4 small glasses of fruit or vege juices everyday. we will break fast this Sunday and only allow to eat papaya 0.o

the fasting is to trigger elimination of toxins in the body and autolysis. i will explain more next time. i was down on the 2nd day (expected when elimination of toxins begin). nausea.. dizzy.. feeling awful awful.. can't even walk straight.. but then after breathing exercise and yoga, the discomforts went away.. and then after enema, I'm totally back to myself. the hunger pang went away on the 3rd day but somehow, of all things my mind keep thinking of hokkien mee :P

funny how i feel so cheerful despite not eating for days. exactly like Matt said, your body won't go into starvation so soon. right now I'm just living on air and fluids. and amazingly, I feel alert, alive and happy!

and then I asked matt, " what's next after food?"
he replied without hesitation, "homework" O.o. oh dear..

no worries all. let's put iressa aside for awhile k.

sometime there are things that can't be explained. i still remember when i was in the hospital, i was advised by my onco and physician to source for portable oxygen tank/generator for home use once i'm discharge. as mentioned, iressa don't get rid of cancer cells and i have plenty of it at that time. all it does is to stop cancer cells from growing temporary.
naturally, my doctors don't expect me to breathe normally ever again and inevitably be dependent on machine support from thereon. but then unexpectedly, my lung cleared and my marker results keep improving for months. unexpectedly.

right now, the pain is completely gone. actually besides the pain at night, i felt very well during the period i stopped iressa. so, even if iressa can alleviate cancer symptons but it's unexpected again that it can work so fast. 2-3 days? by standard, it take weeks. unexpectedly again.

so, let's not lose sleep over it now.


well, i'll be away for a detox health retreat tomorrow till sunday. basically we spend from morning till night purging toxins out of the body for 6 days. here is the program:

0700 dry skin brushing
0730 breathing exercise/meditation
0830 yoga asana
0930 spinal stretching/cold abdominal pack
1015 lymphatic drainage
1100 enema (alternate days)
1130 deep tissue massage
1230 slant board
1500 sauna/hot immersion bath/hip bath
1730 mountain walk
1830 rest
1930 yoga nidra/mental theraoeutics
2015 castor oil pack/chest pack/abdominal pack
2130 health discussion
2230 sleep

when i got the program, my first question "when is breakfast, lunch and dinner ah?"
tough luck! haha.

no worries again. the program is conducted by Dr Wang, my homeopathy who has 22 years of experience in this, including dealing with cancer patients.
however, i think i will end up demanding for solid food. i'm so skinny.. my face is so thin and long already... cannot let it get any longer (and that is my excuse. ha! :P)

anyway, i have a feeling i'm going to enjoy it. and most important of all, learn from it. this program comes at the right timing. if i can detox heavily 5 days every month, maybe.. just maybe.. i can slow down iressa toxins build up.

this is my whole bag of supplements. yes, just supplements. and i didn't bring all of it with me. just too much hassle. i purposely took a view of my legs too so that you can roughly guess how big is that bag.










and yes, i will write about my daily bowl of supplement cereals when i come back.








till then. have a good week.
and have fun! *bite teeth nervously*

it's about a friend's colleague. he (the colleague) has a relapse of adenocarcinoma lung cancer early last year. coincidentally, me and him have the same cancer.. the same stage.. almost the same time.

i didn't know him personally but my friend shared with me his health condition every now and then. he started chemo early last year. i'm not sure whether he is in remission after chemo but i doubt so. anyway, the cancer continues to spread and he is back in treatment again soon enough. they put him on iressa but unfortunately, he is not receptive. so, he went for another round of chemo.. and then another treatment.. and then another and then another.. till they said i can't do anything for you anymore. by then, which is almost a year now, the cancer cells have spread to his liver, bones and brain. he is semi paralyzed due to extensive treatment that has damaged the nerves of his feet, hands, arms and legs resulting in loss of muscles control. he is hospitalize 2 weeks ago when he has difficulty passing urine. his doc last advice is for him to try alternative approach now. however, according to my friend, he is a true believer of modern medicine and really stubborn.

the thing i don't understand here is that why can't the doc let him go early to seek alternative help instead of keep pumping toxins into his body till it collapsed? not that they didn't know they can't save him anymore after the 1st chemo or even the 2nd chemo.

today i met up with my dad. this time he said, "you look much better. i like your new hairstyle." :) (my parents didn't know i stopped iressa)

as for me, i feel so energize, so alert, so active despite not sleeping well for the past few days and my skin has never felt better for a long long time.

unfortunately, things are not always what it seems.


to start with, i had been sleeping on the couch for the past few nights.

why?

because that's the only place i feel comfortable lying down.



the problem started few days ago when i felt pain as i lay down on bed to sleep.
the *argghh-so-familiar* pain!!

however, instead of pain surrounding the shoulder down to the back as before, this time the pain occured around the 'lower left' torso. as i took a child pose to release the tension surrounding the discomfort area, i felt the pain actually focuses on the spine or vertebrae, but no longer at T1 or T2 (upper vertebrae) but T5 (i think) and below.

without much delay, i went for my blood test yesterday to check it out. got the result this morning. breaks my heart to say this, my marker went up from 129 to 187.9 in less than 2 weeks.

i promised, not only to you but just as much to me that i will monitor myself closely. after almost dead once, i'm not as stubborn head as i used to be and i'm much much more careful. i do know i don't have nine lives and i already escaped death once. just 2 weeks ago, i told an acquaintance when i visited him in the hospital to just stay alive and do that, you have a chance.

after much thought, yes, i need to go back on Iressa. although i don't believe this is it but will make do for now.

i took this series of pic yesterday morning right before i went down to the hospital for my blood test.
do i look THAT sick??? do i EVEN look sick??
my eyes tell me i'm healthy. my qigong friends told me so that same day.

however, things are not always what it seems.



stay alive and there is a chance. there will be another chance.
meantime, i have to keep loving me.
i-love-me.

it doesn't help when you are on a strict diet but you keep thinking about food.. especially forbidden food.

as i write this, i have images of me taking a bite of a huge-till-you-need-to-hold-it-up-with-two-hands classic american burger or slurping a bowl of hot and spicy Sun Yit Loong ipoh curry mee with 'kar-lew siew yoke' (add-on roast pork) or anything melting as in melting cheesy frittatas, melting 3 cheese crepes, melting choc fudge topping over rich brownies.
yummy yummy chow... but total abstinence!

why the brain works that way? why leh? when you say don't, it think do. only when it becomes forbidden, you crave for it even more. temptation only exist when you have restrictions. don't you think? and the thought that i will be on a 6 days detox health retreat next week has just multipled the cravings by a 100 fold.

i told them "i can drink 8 glasses of green juices, eat raw unprocessed food everyday but please give me at least 2 grain based meals.. be it brown rice, millets, barleys whatever...i need carbo or i will die" :P


of course i was kidding with them about the dying part but i'm dead serious that i need carbo.

you see, i'm already flyweight. i weighed less than 42kg and i lose weight easily, very easily. i'm so skinny till i look 2D, i think even Avatar look more 3D than me :P

moreover, i don't have much reserve. so, i do need daily intake of carbo to maintain my energy level.

i'm sure they will understand.








my mind is swirling with food images again....
english breakfast with the most kick-ass bangers. a plate of spicy oily nasi lemak. pretty pretty haagen-dazs gateau.... ahhh.. cutie matt and brad :)




the little one sometime hollered at me,
"mummy, come and eat me!" :P haha

and by that he means, please pin me down and bite me all over till i scream in delight.

my yummy boys.
my best chow ever!