....it's all good....

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL FITRI to my muslim friends. (a bit late but I’m sure you are still in Raya mood ☺).

yippee, treatment is finally over but damn, i’m down with a flu. my fault - thinking it was my final round and decided not to have anymore injections but to let my body heal by itself. am still stuck with low blood count- both red and white. i’m so anemic that my heart is working extra time trying to get enough blood circulating to supply oxygen for the body…. feel like i’m running a non stop marathon even though i’m doing nothing and to make it worst, i added a ‘flu’ flavor.

anyway, i'm past the running nose stage and now moving into the annoying coughing stage. no mucus….just very, very trickles throat. my throat is so sore from all the coughing (just hope i don’t get an infection). contemplating whether i should go see my doc….really don’t feel like going back so soon after treatment ended. since i don't have fever, maybe i will wait till end of this week and if i don’t get better, i will go and see him first thing next week.

unfortunately, i passed my germs to my hubby and Matt too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

wowie- thanks for the comments…..i can’t help giggling reading them. you made me feel like a sexy cancer babe…hahahahaha. despite all the imperfections and flaws, you all look beyond it and made me feel like a million dollar bucks (ok, maybe not a million) when i feel more of a dollar worth. thank you.

to be very frank, i had a mini trauma ‘that day’ and it sent me running to the saloon to have my head shave. let’s go behind the scene and find out why….

i had treatment that day. the nurse was prepping me for the treatment and I casually mentioned to her, “i missed my period last month”.

she replied very matter of factly (and i sincerely believe she don’t have the intention of freaking me out), “you still have your period for the last few months? usually patients will go straight to menopause after just one round of cisplatin (the chemo drug)”.

lightning strike…followed by loud thunder…and i got short circuited right there and then. light bulb off and i panicked. i know i’m gonna be infertile from chemo and i’m fine with that but early menopause??? i'm so not prepared for that. i need to talk to my doc and I did, here is what he said,

“for your age, maybe you won’t go into early menopause. chemo can really mess up your body and you will probably miss your period for the next few months……………(he paused- no,no,no…and then he continued). but there is a 5% chance that you may actually go into pre-mature menopause”.

5% risk doesn’t seem a lot but nonetheless, i’m upset. I don’t want early menopause- no! you probably wonder- what is it got to do with me shaving my head?

if you noticed, from the day i’m diagnosed till now, cancer has its way of taking valuable things away from me…doing terrible things to me…diminishing my quality of life through and through …..and there is this expectation that i should be thankful for all that is happening because that's the only way to save my ass.

“….we need to cut off your lung and you should be thankful that we are able to do that to save your life….
….we need to cut you up a little more to put in a chemo port and for that, you should be grateful that we don’t have to prick your veins for blood and treatment….
….we need to poison you and make you really sick but not enough to kill you and you should be thankful that all the side effects are only temporary….
….your hair gonna fall off and you gonna look like a sicko but be thankful that you are still alive….etc. etc.”

if you get all dressed up but step on poo the minute you walk out that door, you will probably get furious and even curse a little….if you go to the saloon and burnt a big hole in your pocket for the latest hairstyle but came back with a bad hair perm, you will probably be upset and go on and on about it whole day.
i’m just as human as anybody…having cancer doesn’t make me any less human. why can’t i be upset over missing body parts and treatment that made me so sick and weak? it’s not natural…it’s not human that I should be thankful instead. the truth is i can’t be angry with people that cut off my body parts or even poison me cause these are the people that are trying to save me life. i have to get the frustration out....can't keep it in and let it swallow me up.
so, i ended up lashing out at cancer....tried to play a little tug of war with it instead.

yeah, i shaved my head because I DECIDED i want to be bald.....and not because of cancer.

i know that is so lame. i’m not sure about other illness but cancer make you feel like you are losing control of your body…as if something else has taken over your life, your body and treating it so badly. i don’t want cancer to have a say in everything and i shaved my head just to piss it off that i want to be bald and not because of it. i know i sounds like i gone mental BUT to have that feeling of being able to take control again over my body – no matter how trivia, how absurd –is very reassuring! it give you a little power in a helpless situation.....and it shows in the photos taken that day, ain't it?

i have written a very long post and i can still go on and on about it. i better cut it off and end it here with a message to the universe.

"screw cancer. i want my period back".

(i'm feeling a little piss today...piss at cancer generally. just heard bad news that the mom of someone close to my heart is diagnosed with cancer.)

in another week, they are unbuckling the safety belt and finally letting me off the chemo roller coaster ride. after all the terror of the non-stop continuous loop of plunges, falls and spins for 4 months, i might get off a little wobbly and probably need some time to get my footing steady again. but i'm so looking forward to it.

i have been acting a little nut case this week. not sure whether it's due to the adrenalin high that i'm gonna be release back into my world again and then feeling shitty at the same time that this world i once live in no longer exist. being diagnosed with cancer kinda dump you into a different world, a world that look pretty much like the regular world but feel rather different....a world that only 'us' can understand....it's kinda hard to explain so i will talk about it in another post.

my mind is so muddled lately that i can't squeeze a single drop of creative juice to create a simple photos collage of the chemotherapy as a closure to this chapter of my life. maybe i will do it later for my own sake but i will still show you some pictures of me...i even have a little surprise.

here is a picture taken during chemo session on Cylce 4 Day 1.


to help unravel my acrobatic mind that is running way ahead of time, i tried to calm myself through physical exertion. instead of yoga or something more relaxing, i chose to clean the kitchen (i don't even have the strength to lift a slow cooker). my mom called and the first thing she asked "why are you panting? what are you doing?". she want me to stop whatever i'm doing immediately cause i don't sounds good over the phone. i told her i'm anaemic and just short of breath, there is nothing to worry about. so, i didn't stop until much later, when my hubby interrupted "i know this is theraupatic to you but i think you better stop cause the colour is draining off from your face ". by then, i was really tired.

however, my mind was still unsettled and i was very fidgety. then someone rang the door bell and hand delivered a bag full of goodies for my health. at the moment, i felt a rush of warmth in my heart and a feeling of gladness...an overwhelming gladness. thank you so much blogger gang. thank you so much for sticking by me for the past 4 months and your kindness are much appreciated from the bottom of my heart. THANK YOU.

that night, my body ached and screamed in revenge. even my internal organs writhed in pain......but i laid in bed with gladness in my heart and a calm mind. i slept well. my thoughts are with family members that love me....friends that care for me....colleagues that work that extra time to cover for me....each and everyone who gave me their support and encouragement.

the next morning (yesterday), i went for my treatment. despite all the injections, my bone marrow are indeed exhausted from chemo and my blood counts remain low. since we are at the tail end of chemo, my doc thinks we can take the risk level a notch higher and we should continue treatment. so, we proceed with treatment and they gave me more injections to ensure i don't tumble over. come to think of it, maybe it's the injections that make feel so unstable lately.

anyway, on the way home, i told my hubby i want to do this. he is perfectly fine with it and in fact, we did it together.......what is it? scroll down for the surprise.























i decided to shave my head.....i'm a baldy now!!!!! looking at the photos, i can do with some make up to look healthier. anyway, no regrets. i'm cool with my bald head. now, let's hear from the kids:


surprisingly Brad was totally okay with it. he said, "mummy botakhead so cute. i like it". and he like touching it too.


and much to our surprise, Matt commented, "mummy, what do you do to your hair? not nice. i want your hair back, please grow it back. i don't like you anymore".
we didn't expect that. he seems to be really upset about it initially but after a while, he kinda let it go a little. when i tucked him to bed, i asked him "so, you like mummy now?". he replied, "yeah, i like mummy but i want you to grow your hair back". m'dear, mummy hair will grow back...mummy promise, give it some time, it will grow back.

my hubby told me that the first thing he said this morning, "daddy, your hair didn't grow back?".
oh well, looks like he is still upset about it.....

it's not that bad, right?