....it's all good....

i have my cylce 4 DAY 1 treatment today....the long 9am-5pm drip-o-drip treatment....the treatment that made me all jittery and sleepless for the past 2 days just anticipating it. yeah, it's that scary to me despite having my security blanket 'Emend'. anyway, that's done and before i go hibernating, i need to open my 'GET INSPIRED' cookie jar that will holler out loudly ''STOP WHINING & START LIVING" whenever open..... to put in a memory and safekeep this day of my life.

i met a few very GREAT people today. their experiences shrunk me to the size of a poodle staring up at infinity to a group of wise and courageous people....people that have a hard life and yet still living up to it.

01. Mdm I, 70 years old. diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2003 and have a relapsed last year....stage 1V. it has been an awful experience for her with both side effects of the disease and chemo. 8-9 months chemo by now and doc are talking of taking off chemo by end of Oct- good! she is always cheery, friendly with a keep moving forward attitude.

02. Mr. A, i think he is around late fifties.diagnosed with stage IV colorectul cancer. has been trying every single drug available for his cancer for the past one year and yep, he has been on chemo for a year and probably will continue to be on chemo for his lifetime. doc gave him 0-3 months prognosis and this is what it means- '0' means anytime if his disease progress and '3' means he may be able to hold it up for 3 months once the disease progress if he is lucky. there is no completed chemo cycle for him...he will be living his remaining lifetime on chemo till either his body gave in to the drugs or the disease...he keeps going.

03. Mr. K,, Stage IV stomach cancer- a relapsed. he had a surgery 3 weeks ago to remove half of his stomach. last week, he fainted and was sent to ICU. today he came back for a follow up and came to the chemo common room to visit his old friend, Mdm I. he is about to start his treatment soon, once he feels better. my total respect and hat offs to him.

hi people, Mr.K is 81 years old. despite his condition, he didn't say i have enough of life and this is it. instead he told me, "take whatever chance there is". his courage....and determination....and passion for life is unebelievable. i think i shrunk a further 2 sizes smaller and probably let out a poodle yarp. i feel so small. so green and so raw among them. suddenly i feel like i don't want to compromise my life....i want a full ripe life. to be given the chance to walk down the hall of fame of OLD AGE.

my doc used to say "you are not stage I & II (when survival and cure rate is high)....you are not stage IV (the late or final stage when tmt is to prolong life)...you are stage IIIA. someone that we really need to watch out for and work extra hard cause possibility of cure is slimmer but definitely possible .

today that HOPE felt BIGGER and blinks BRIGHTER.
i'm closing the cookie jar with a tear in my eyes now.


ps. some of you have asked to have a look of me as of now....some has even asked me for quite sometime already. mmmm....okay, so the 'aneroxia' drug-junkie impression is not so convincing-huh? i know you miss me :). okay then. i will show you....i will even show you more than just a glimpse of me....in my next post after i wake up from my hibernation 'k?
btw, if anybody knows how to do photos collage with photoshop, please drop me a note or even point me to your site if you already have a write-up on it- this will definitely speed up the process. cheers.

i need to sleep now.....till then :)

dear all, just want to say that my kids have completely recovered and we are all fine. thank you so much for your concern and good wishes.

quite in contrary to the wonderful compliments i received from you all, i thought i'm such a big whiner for the past few months. i complained….i whined….i complained again…and then i whined some more ….such a drama queen.

now i’m about to whimper a little more....just a little bit more. after 3 months of chemo, i think my bone marrows are exhausted…it’s impacting notably on my white and red blood cells. both are constantly below acceptable level now and we expect my condition to remain so until i complete treatment. they think i probably need a lot of jabs this month to help me complete treatment. i have 2 Neupogen jabs last week to bring up my white cell and have another 2 shots this week. i’m anemic now and they also gave me a shot called Eprex to stimulate my bone marrow to produce more red bloods.

all the jabs plus the anaemia put a black cloud over my head everywhere i go….eh- not that i can go far…my bones rattle when i walk....(hahaha - i gotta laugh at it and you are invited to laugh with me)….okay, I exaggerated a little. my bones ache…my legs shake a little and my hands shake a little but it's not as bad as it sounds. the physical side effects are quite tolerable but i loathe it when it mess with my mind.

it gave me the blues ☹ for the past 2 weeks. i become this weepy, teary eyes fragile being that so easily suck into my own self pity. i can watch Mickey Christmas with my kids and start crying over the thought that i may not even be around this Christmas to celebrate with them....why do i even think UP something like that?????? sounds like depression-huh? yeah, i better get a grip of myself before it gets the better of me.

i know cancer is not funny....not funny at all. but i rather laugh than cry about it. a sick mind intensify a sick body. you hear me saying often, "i'm ok", "i'm not that sick", "i'll get better'- i believe many if not all cancer patients say that and i got pretty good at the game myself....it just one of those things we try to make ourselves feel better. it may not work, but we might as well keep trying....(haha-gotta laugh at it sometime.....).

stay focus and think about the good bits. i remember some of you asked me how many more chemo cycle i needs....and this is the good bits- i have one more cycle to go!!!! i'm on a 16 weeks regimen and i have almost completed 12 weeks....yee-ha ....hi-5 everyone!!!! i should do the weekly count down now- yeah? yeah? agree?

now, the serious bits. although cancer has taken an awful lot out of me in the shortest period of time but i thank God everyday for my blessings. my gratitude for those that love and care about me. i count my blessings for the prayers, the thoughts, the vibes, the sms and the comments you left in my blog. it reminded me that i'm not alone in this. i consider myself incredibly fortunate to find myself in such good company. thank you all so much.

and to the blogger gang....you rock!!!! even writing this put a smile on my face. a curtsy....a deep bow... an organic veggies juice toast to you all. thank you so much for the bird nests and EMX...and most of all, thank you for sharing your kindness with me.

dear Jasmine, thanks abundance for the ginseng and for your generosity. xoxoxo from me to you.

dear ZMM, EMX is such a fantastic choice. i feel like a toxic dump.....and look like a drug junkie...an 'aneroxic" drug junkie...okay, maybe i over exaggerated a bit again but i sure feel like one- (hahaha- gotta laught at it sometime.....). EMX will surely help in my de-tox program that i'm planning after the treatment. thank you so much. oh yeah, jaz and you are at the top of my list of people i want to meet, hug and squeeze a little as soon as i feel more like myself. it will fun to watch your 2 princesses tango with my boys :)

a smoochie to all from Brad on behalf of me...

i thought i can cut some slack this cycle but boy, am i wrong. i'm having a mini crisis at home. my hubby is down with flu. Brad has multiple ulcers in his mouth....very high fever....not eating....all weepy, whiny and obviously in pain...paed suspect he has contracted hand foot mouth virus- heck, where he get that from?...i haven't even send him to nursery.

that's not all, a day after- Matt came down with very high fever....so bad that he shivered and shuddered....never happened before and scared the shit out of me. initially we thought he caught Brad's virus but paed confirmed that he had a very nasty throat infection.

my three boys are down with three different viruses and i don't even have an immune system....kinda freakish. i freaked out over the kids and my mom freaked out over me. everybody is freaking out....worrying about this and that. what if i catch the virus and get too sick to carry on treatment...what if this and that.

however, i can't be bothered. i'm a mom and having cancer can't change that. when my kid cries and wants me to carry..i will carry and soothe him. when my kid complaints he is cold and want me to hug.... i will wrap a blanket over him and cuddle him close till the shiver goes away.

yes, the risk and stake is high but i remembered something i read from a book not long ago that make total sense. here is an extract i love..

anxiety splits out energy between today's priorities and tomorrow's problems. part of our mind is on the now, the rest is on the not yet. the result is half minded living.
meet today's problems with today's strength. don't start tackling tomorrow's problems until tomorrow. you do not have tomorrow's strength yet. you simply have enough for today.

i believe i'm doing the right thing. leave tomorrow's problem until tomorrow.
the kids are recovering now and i'm so, so exhausted.....

i will be back once thing settles a little.