....it's all good....

when i read back my last post. i noticed it tagged along a tinge of anger. haha.
i'm not really angry but just annoyed..

annoyed that i felt perfectly fine one day and then i woke up the next morning smothered in pain. moreover, i was a bit concerned this time round caused the pain was very localised. concentrated at one area. my back. right behind my chest. at my spine. it occured to me.... maybe it has finally gotten hold of my spine.

although the pain was less intense than the last time but it still bad enough to immobilize my upper body. not that i can't move my upper body physically but every movement caused a wicked stab of pain that i just turned stiff. nonetheless, looking back now, it can't be that bad if i can still take care of myself.. cooking simple meals, cutting veges, taking shower, blending my smoothies etc ... through gritted teeth and scrunched up face, i think :P

thank God, it gradually went away...
the next day the pain moved away from the spine to my whole left shoulder and back.
the next next day, it shifted to my left shoulder blade only
the next next next day, it's almost gone :) .. and suddenly i feel like re-potting the outgrown plants at the balcony :P :P

i dunno why. i can't explain what happened.
but yeah. i'm feeling good again. in fact, i'm happy. you know why?

i just found out one of the qigong center i'm attending is organizing a charity move 'qigong for cancer healing'. it's gonna start at the center itself providing and teaching qigong for cancer patients, pro bono starting Aug 2009 (will give more details later). they also have plans to give qigong therapy treatment for cancer patients at hospital visits.

although i may not have actively inspired them to start this worthy event but i do think my presence at the center for last 2 months.. always coming in with a smile(this surely help :P).. did inspired them for the idea. i'm grateful. of course, i have registered as a volunteer. i have been waiting for a chance to give back to the cancer community and here it is, my wish granted :)


ps. will be taking my blood test next monday and result, tuesday.

*pardon my language*

damn it! i'm knocked down once again.
less painful than before but nonetheless.......... never mind, recovering now.

i'm due for my blood test too. will do so sometime this week, once i'm up and running again..

2 years ago a choreography piece by mia michael moved me to tears. this year, this stunning piece by tyce diorio about a woman struggling with breast cancer touched me to the core and caused a storm of tears. not only me, the judges too. not only me, the audiences too. not only me, my husband too.

i guess it will have the same effect on people that can relate and profoundly affected by cancer in one way or another...directly or indirectly...now or before.

cancer is such a lethal disease. if not handled with care, it can leave behind the darkest bottomless emotion black holes in one's life.



this woman's work-maxwell
Pray God you can cope. I stand outside this woman's work,This woman's world. it's hard on the man, Now his part is over.Now starts the craft of the father.I know you´ve got a little life in you yet.I know you´ve got a lot of strength left.I know you´ve got a little life in you yet.I know you´ve got a lot of strength left.I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinkingOf all the things we should've said,That I never said.All the things we should've done,That we never did.All the things we should've given,But I didn't.Oh, darling, make it go,Make it go away.Give me these moments.Give them back to me.Give me that little kiss.Give me your hand.(2x)(I know you have a little life in you yet.I know you have a lot of strength left.I know you have a little life in you yet.I know you have a lot of strength left.)I should be crying, but I just can't let it go,I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinkingOf all the things we should've said,That were never said.All the things we should've done,That we never did.All the things that you wanted from me.All the things that you needed from me.All the things that we should've given,But I didn't.Oh, darling, make it goJust make it go away now Just make it go away.

it is a common misconception that dairy products are a good source of calcium and nutrition for humans. we are convinced to feed our kids with dairy food for strong bones and good health, so much so that it has becomes the backbone of the modern diet.

medical studies have begun to link milk and dairy food consumption with a wide variety of sicknesses. the more prominent among kids today includes cramps and diarrhea, sinusitis, multiple forms of allergy, skin problems i.e. eczema, high mucus production etc. etc.

i can vouch for it.
Matt is on cow's formula and love dairy products while Brad is on goat's formula and not a big fan of the dairy. Brad is more mucus-free, sinus-free, allergies-free as compared to Matt.

if your kids are having flu or cough, do cut down on their dairy products to avoid mucus production. well, who can live without butter and cheese spread nowadays right?

i love this version of homemade spread and my boys love it too (these two are ultimate fussy eaters). it's healthy and delicious. give it a try. do pardon me for my food photography skills (that's why i shy away from taking food pic :P) and also my narration of the recipe (i pretty suck at this!)

the ingredients and making are very simple:
one portion of soya milk and three portion of grapeseed oil.
usually i used 1:2 because i prefer it creamier. if its too runny, add a bit more oil. improvise.
i don't really measure it but roughly i make around 50ml of soya milk plus 100 ml+ of grapeseed oil. and a pinch of sea salt.
use a blender and pour in the oil once at a time at low-med speed. once done, you can keep it in the fridge for upto a week.


i used Nature Green Soja Calcium (you can get from organic shop, i got mine from justlife).
do use high quality organic (cold pressed) grapeseed oil. it's beneficial for health. do google it out. it's an excellence cooking oil too.







you can use the creamy spread for breads, crackers and as dips with crudites. i made this in the morning for this coming weekend.
as shown in pic:
1. Artisan organic rye bread. oh. the bread is delish toasted or grilled.
2. organic multigrain rice crackers. believe it or not, my kids love the crackers. excellence partner with the spread.
3. my kids current fav, waterthin fine wafer crackers, so much so that they don't mind doing their own spreading :)

he don't want my hash browns and chicky balls. he wanted melting cheese on toast.. cheesey spread on waterthin wafer. why is he so into cheese? especially so he is still abit coughy and phelgmy?? cheese or any dairy products will just gonna cause more mucus.

worst, why do i give in so easily?

late into the night, he coughed and vomited in his sleep. we had to clean up till almost 3am. that's it! no more dairy products for him till ..... i dunno!

feeling so haggard now :(
more cleaning up to do later on. tell me again why am i so determined not to have a maid?
*not a very good sign when i start talking to myself :P*

i'm going for anti-oxidant therapy to recharge..

every Mon-Wed, he comes back home almost 10 pm after tuition. once home, he has to do his homework till late at night. i wonder too- is it necessary to overload such a young boy with so much?

honestly, i don't insist on good grades from my kids but i would rather they enjoy education as a learning process. his class teacher first remark on Matt when i went and collected his report card was that he is too playful and so far, he is the only one she still keep in front of the classroom so that she can keep an eye on him.
i laughed. and the next thing i asked her, is he learning well? any issue with him catching up? she said no.

that's good enough. he is only 7, such a young boy, let him have some fun. he may not be the top 10 of the class but goodness sake, if he is that playful and still came home with 8 A's and 4 B's, i'm not complaining.

besides, he never complain about the long hours and he dutifully do his homework. all he ask for is a nice supper to go with it. tonight, i'm making him sweet potato hash browns and chicken meatballs.

now you know why i don't sleep early. well, how can i sleep without tucking my boys into bed first? :)

as i was washing and cutting up some veggies for my smoothie this morning, i felt my hands trembled under the running water and tears started welling up in my eyes. a sudden surge of emotion came over without warning and engulfed me with an overpowering sadness.

i was thinking about my dad...

have i ever told you my dad is a cancer survivor? twenty over years and still very much alive today. fighting cancer is such a hard job. bravo to him and for all those brave souls out there. my respect and admiration for them. every single one of them.

i was hit by a slingshot thought that it's must be so enormously despairing for my dad to survive cancer only to witness his daughter could be dying from it now. it broke my heart just thinking about it.

anyway, there is no room and time for sadness. think happy thoughts.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!

and for the blogger gang. you gals work in ligthing speed and made me laugh *lol*.
as i got out from qigong and about to do my round of groceries shopping, i wanted to hit the bookstore.. just to check it out ..just in case.. i got a msg from Dinah that Donna Hay special kids' issue is already on its way to me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH GANG!!! *hugs and kisses*

i'm loving it. happy thoughts. happy days.

i'm not naive. definitely not ignorant. i know i appear too upbeat at times but yes, i know cancer can kill me easily. i know the stake. i'm fully aware of my condition and i don't think anybody can be more anxious about me than myself. i stay sanguine to keep my spirit high (and thank god, i don't need alot of effort to do that) cause i know i'm in for a life and death battle.

i have this strange theory that cancer is a living cell and like any living forms .. it will retaliate if attacked or when they feel danger. at the initial stage, it strike back so hard that my whole neck glands and nodes were swollen and painful. it does worry me that it may be heading for my brain but i'm not giving in just because it scares me. i was still jokingly telling a friend, "i think my cancer cells are having pms. it went all berserk now. obviously it don't like what i'm doing.." my neck is fine now.

it may have gone aggressive and ahead of me in the race... but i'm still in the running track ...i'm still running with all my might to catch up.

i don't see the finishing line as yet...

i'm sweating it out. i'm pumping strength and fueling up to keep myself fit to compete. you don't give up just because you are falling behind. not to forget, i have amazing people to cheer me on the sideline..giving me every support possible... who will even stretch out their legs to trip the bugger if only possible.

yes. i do get scared at times but i'm still hanging on to this...



Maybe the longer we can look the way we used to, act the way we used to, be the way we used to, the longer we keep that Beast at bay.-- Leroy Sievers


don't focus on cancer. focus on myself. don't think of what it can do. think of what i can do. you never know, i may outrun it. thats the odd i'm betting on.

fyi. i'm back to my routine and feeling fine now :)

donny hay annual kids' issue is out!! yee-haaa!!!

it will probably hit the store early next month. not all store will stock this special annual issue but i will definitely look out for it! so excited!!

my life's simple delight :)

let's not talk about cancer today but maybe something about everyday discovery as we live on..



i didn't realize Matt's feet look so alike mine until we took a pic.
oh gosh! so mine :)

christmas already?? how i wish..
*take a moment to say a little prayer that i will stay alive and healthy this coming christmas*
anyway, you don't have to wait for christmas to hear the magical tale of santa.

yesterday, as i woke up from my nap, my hub told me,
"honey, the blogger gang dropped a bag of goodies at our front door. funny how they managed to get up to our floor without a resident scan card and pushed that bag through our grill door??!!"


i saw a msg on my phone from zmm and smiled at him saying,
"the blogger gang can work up magic, dear".

however, the sweetest part of the story came from a text msg from zmm,

"yes, the blogger gang can work up magic and you are one of the blogger gang".

A BILLION THANK YOU THANK YOU TO THE BLOGGER GANG!!!!

sometimes i wonder do i deserve such kindness and sweetness.
well... i'm speechless ..and so sprinkled with magic dust to help me work up a miracle now :-)

no more profound pain.

but feeling like an old lady. just sore. it's the muscles now. and sleepy. and tired. the more i sleep, the puffier my eyes. beauty sleep don't seems to apply here :(



just waiting for it to pass... it will..








nonetheless, managed to garner enough strength and courage to battle in bed with the 2 fellas. just goofing around. pump up some feel good hormones. make room for laughing moments.



KIDSSSSSSSSSSSS... no tongue!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i have the notion the cheekiness comes from me.
okay.okay. i will behave! :P :P *lol*

the black clouds dispersed and it didn't rain at the end.
no massage either.
however, good that i stayed in. not fit to drive.
just few days ago i was telling you "i'm not in pain. i'm not suffering" and please trust me that i'm feeling really good.

well, it's a fact back then... but things almost changed overnight. yesterday, i was in agonizing pain. ah! did anyone cut me up and took my lung again??!!
my 'whole' lung.. lung, not muscles, not bones, LUNG .. my whole lung including my left lung which was chopped off and what remains is the lung or chest wall ... was so so so sore and painful.

it's painfully throbbing when i stand..when i walk..when i sit..when i lie down.. any movement tend to aggravate the pain and make me groaned with anguish. i repeat again, the whole lung. if a tumour grow and touch a nerve, the pain is localize at one area. this doesn't sound like cancer. then what? i dunno. i would like to think it's healing crisis. whatever it is, let's record it here.

as of now, the pain has subsided to the minimal. i can move freely and i even managed to carry a good load of groceries today ;) but no big swinging movement just yet. however, i don't think it's over either. i'm back to feeling nausea again.. rashes still there and i'm tired, not extremely fatigue ... just tired.

funny that i'm feeling a little horny too :P :P .... which i (not so) secretly think it's good :)

change of plan.
can't afford to catch a chill.
maybe go for massage instead.

i woke up this morning and found this boy sleeping next to me. i watched him sleep for awhile and wonder when did he climb into bed last night. so true that kids are such angels while sleeping :)

it then occured to me that he did asked me, "mummy, can i sleep with you tonite?" i guess i dozed off before he crawled into bed. not sure where my hubby slept last night.. in the bunk bed??!!



looks like a lovely morning tho' a bit hazy.
i'm still sore all over but feel like going to the jungle for some fresh jungle air.

i'm not on top form today. has been detoxifying heavily for the past few days and i think i'm going through another healing crisis (hopefully). nauseating..rashes on my face..lethargic and fatique.. and my body is aching all over, especially on the chest area. the pain intensity seems to increase throughout the day..

i thought i went thru that not long ago??!!
it just make me wonder, "geez, am i that toxic?"
need some soothing TLC tonight..

maybe a tall glass of life enhancing beetroot smoothie, my only source of sweetness


definitely need heaps of happy booster from the 2 little fellas


and loads of giggles, huggies and kisses vitamins too :)


okay. gotta wash the dishes, take a shower and sleep early tonight..
don't think i have the energy to meditate.

i want to introduce you to my macrobiotics consultant, June Ka Lim. I met her a couple of days ago and i think she is amazing. she is a neurolinguistic psychology practitioner and a holistic nutritionist.

eating organic produce is one thing, eating good healthy diet is another thing, eating the RIGHT wholesome food specifically for YOU is the main thing. i realize i'm not doing it right all along despite trying to eat as healthy as possible. anyway, never too late :)

the thing i like about her, she combines the west and the east approach. she takes account of the energy of food, the yin-yang balance and pure food medicinal approach for individual needs. she's helped a lot of people overcoming their health issue the nature intended way.. even life-threatening one.

she owns a macrobiotic restaurant in bangsar Telawi 2 and she recently published a book called 'Macrobiotics for life'. she charge RM100 for consultancy fees and all proceeds will be donated to the Malaysia cancer society. you can find out more in the website below or even drop by her restaurant for a healthy nutritious meal. for those in need of health advice- foodwise, you can make appointment for a consultation with her.

http://www.macrobiotics-malaysia.com/

btw Jasmine, yep, i kinda know who is Ouyang Ying, he is famous and i got 4 of his recipes VCDs including the anti-cancer and healthy immune system. nonetheless, thank you so much *hugs*.

i know many of you are concerned about my condition. no doubt it's worrying. i remain adamant not just because i'm stubborn (tho' i admit i am). even under less-than-favorable circumstances, life is still a journey.

for now, i'm not in pain. i'm not suffering. in fact, i'm happy most of the time. it's another life changing experience for me and along the way, i met some amazing amazing people. so, no worries. i'm still strong and fit and as long as i'm capable of, i will take good care of myself. most of all, i'm embracing the journey.

and no, i'm not gonna let cancer take me down so easily. do pardon me if i sound cocky. i'm not arrogant but i can't be humble to cancer.

i have to do what i believe in. only then, i can put my heart, body and soul in it.

i was backing up some older photos and came across the pics below taken in Feb 09, just a week before the dreaded news.

love that he still act like my baby..
love that his hair still smell like a baby..
love that he's still a huggy, kissy little fella..
love how comfortable he was sitting on my lap..

most of all, look how lengthy he has grown..

it's so unbelievable that i breastfed him till 3 years old..



and in contrary to belief, he is not a mommy's boy but definitely daddy's .
he turned 5 slightly more than a month ago.