....it's all good....

CA125
bad..good. good..bad.
it's bad because it's still high. it's good because it's coming down from 147 to 99. yes, indeed- i have one hundred and one questions running through my mind. does it mean i have ovarian cancer? if yes, is it a metastisis from the lung tumor? or is it something totally on its own? what does it mean? what do i need to do now?

i dunno. i don't think my onco can give me an accurate answer either...at least not at this stage. i called up the hospital for the test result last few days and will only discuss this with my onco next Tuesday. the thing is CA125 blood test is not even a reliable method of detecting ovarian cancer. i will call it a bluff. i don't even have any symptoms...but then again, i don't have any symptoms for my lung cancer too. so, i can't totally ignore it.

well, seriously- i'm not sure why but i'm not worried at this moment. we will just keep check for now. if it does present as a problem later on, we will know how to deal with it...or my doc will know how to deal with it and all i need is to survive it. the chemo seems to be doing its job anyway. so, not a threat but just KIV for now.


hair loss
yep, my hair start to fall off this week. not bald yet. in fact, still a lot left.
i'm cutting it short tomorrow..tomboy short. kinda' excited how it will turn out. i know, why waste the money when i may not even keep my hair for long, right? but come on - if life give you lemon, try to make lemonade out of it - i know exactly what it means now. i love long hair and i know i will never cut it short if i can help it. since i will lose it anyway, might as well have some fun.

weight management
pre-pregnancy, i'm a skinny gal weighed not more than 46kg. i love being skinny for the simple fact that i don't have to try my clothes when i go shopping. i will pick size small of anything (except pants) and i know it will fit me just fine. i lost that privilege after i had Matt and shopping is no longer fun for me...not because i have to try my clothes on but i just don't carry the clothes that i like to wear as good as before. since then, i have been struggling for years trying to bring my weight down to 50kg... to push to pre-pregnancy weight is a wishful thinking (altho i never stop wishing).

today....i fear the opposite. i'm struggling to maintain my weight.
come to think of it, i didn't really lose a lot of weight but the problem is i don't have enough buffer to start with in the first place. when i went for the medical check up, i weighed about 52kg. i shed off 2kg in less than a month due to changed of diet, stress, emotional distress, the biopsies, test after test etc.etc. so, i weighed around 50kg when i had the surgery. post-op, i instantly lost another 3kg (some of the weights came from the lung that was removed).

i tried to gain some buffer weights to put up with chemo and managed to bring my weight up to 48kg before i start chemo. it's so difficult to gain weight with the kind of diet i'm having. i need to eat and eat and eat just to gain that one kg and i probably lost in just a few vomits. since then, it has been downhill all the way. i lost almost 2kg from chemo side effects and it's yo-yoing around 46-47kg until i caught the flu virus. it went out of hand and all the way down to 44kg....oh dear.

anyway, i started eating solid again and my appetite is very good. i hope i will be able to buffer it back to 46kg before the next treatment. all i need to do is eat and eat and eat....

last but not least....
once again, i want to extend my heartfelt thanks with abundant appreciation to the blogger bunch for another gift and especially the thought that comes with it:

Jasmine. Agnes. Dinah. Hui Sia. Evangeline. Yvonne. Sue. Michelle. Ivy. Jesslyn. Annie Q. LB. Mom of Cairo. Cheryl. Chew Lee. King's Wife. Sylvia Hoo. Twinnilla. Eileen. Sasha. Pearl. Chanel. Tracy.

some of you didn't even know me at all.... and yet you show me your generous BIG BIG heart by extending your support and encouragement to me again and again. i'm just so grateful that you found me in this blog.

u know what- once this is over and i'm well again....i want to celebrate it with you all!!

thank you. thank you. thank you.

it has been an absolutely lousy week. initially i thought i'm experiencing side effects from the bottom cycle of chemo treatment i.e. the 10-14 days but actually i'm down with the flu virus.

it started last Friday. achy muscles, nerves pain all over my body. my neck was stiff and my throat lining, gums and jaws were so sored. i just gritted my teeth and bore with it thinking that it will go away soon. then came Sunday evening, the discomfort indeed subsided but i started to vomit non stop. i can't eat and can't hold down food at all. everything i shallowed came right back up within minutes. i kept vomiting despite a very very empty stomach. i hurt my tummy so bad.

on Tuesday when i went for my treatment, my blood test result showed my white blood cell counts dropped to a negative level and they have to put off this week chemo treatment. my oncologist said i probably caught a flu virus as per sympthoms described.

normally you will recover from flu virus within 2-3 days but with a sub zero immune system, it seems to take forever. this body just can't fight...it gave in and let the virus took over. at times, i really felt like i'm losing the grip. moreover, the low food intake further weaken the body and i guess that's why my immune system dived to a negative level....'negative' - can you believe it?

the vomiting stopped yesterday but i'm still a little nauseated and having gastric pain. i'm not back on solid food as yet but at least i'm able to take in some soft or puree foods now. i'm recovering.

looks like i'm not coping well and the 3 1/2 months ahead gonna be tough...but i will survive.

because you are so kind. for being thoughtful. for being so nice. for giving me the gift of 2littlefellas memories beautifully binded in a book.

it surprises me. put a smile on my face. cheer me up and lift my spirit.

many many thanks to wonderful wonderful people like you:

Agnes. Jasmine. Dinah. Hui Sia. Eva Leong. Yvonne. Sue. Michelle. Ivy. Jessyln. AnnieQ. LB. Woon Jiun. Huey Fong. Chew Lee. King's Wife. Pearl. Chanel. Twinilla Kok. Sylvia Hoo. Tracy. Sasha. Eileen.

THANK YOU. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

went for my 2nd treatment today. it was a quick 2 hours drip.

(1) the blood test result shows my white blood cell count and platelets have reduced but still at acceptable range.
amazingly, my red blood cells is status quo...still at border line. way to go mom! i'm no longer breathless too.

that's good!

(2) i complained to my onco of the pain from my surgical wound that has recently re-surfaced. he advised with interesting fact that the drug Cisplatinum is so powerful that sometime it awakens nerves of a recent memory by recalling the pain experienced after the operation....like opening an old wound of a broken heart.

interesting but not good. the pain is more intense at night and it keeps me awake.

(3) besides the blood test, my cancer marker test result taken before my 1st treatment was out.
- the CEA test that soared as high as 22.7 prior to surgery has dropped to 3.9, which is below 5 - this is excellent.
- the CA 125 test has gone up to 147.8, way above 35 - this is not good.

the CA 125 test is an ovarion carcinorma test. i digged back my prior surgery blood test report and it was a low 13 at that time. why the hell it has shot up so much? my onco said he is not going to push the alarm as yet but he will monitor me closely. one reading of CA 125 is not conclusive...the test depends on a lot factors that may cause the fluctuation, which includes menstruation...ovulation etc. but my reading is very high. he will request to repeat the test every 2-3 weeks. the chemo should bring it down and if it comes down, we don't have to do anything...if it don't, then i will have to do a PET scan to see what's going on there.

bugger! another worry just dropped on my shoulder. 'it' just never end-huh? now, i need to read and learn up CA 125..ovarian cancer...hopefully research that show a +ve correlation of an increase in CA 125 after lung surgery ...whatever that can give me some understanding so that i can prepare myself.

but i don't want to do that... i don't want to know...at least not now.

if i'm upto it, i want to go out on a date with my hubby....to watch transformer....to have a nice meal out..
if i'm upto it, i want to take my kids out....maybe to kidzsport....so that they can have some fun..
if i'm upto it, i want to spend time with my parents...just watching my mom cooking..having breakfast with my dad...and hanging out with my brothers..
if i'm upto it, i want to do a whole scrapbook album "all about me".
if i'm upto it, i want to go for a family vacation....the list goes on.
even if i'm not upto it, i will still do some of those.

oh don't worry - i'm not giving up.. NEVER!! i'm a little tired...if the bugger is not giving me a break...i'm gonna give one to myself...just a mini break until the next test and reading. before then, i want to stop worrying about life and live life a little instead. i may not blog during this time but rest assured i'm ok.

when i'm back next week, i will be charging ahead in life like a raging bull again...complete with the nostril puff of air.
i promise.

i’m so whacked yesterday. i spent a lot of time either in bed or in front of the toilet bowl. the lack of oxygen made things worst but………….

my mom came to the rescue. it’s quite true when people said mom know best.

she brought along chinese tonic for “poh huet..poh hei” (remedy to improve blood and respitory)..to name a few- home brewed chicken essence with ‘pou sam’ + ‘hung joe’, ‘tong sam’ + ‘hung joe’ etc.etc. all these made me vomit double time…haha…not really…I vomited a lot of bubbles but not the tonic.

you must be wondering ‘can I actually take all those while under chemo treatment?’ my onco said I can take whatever i want. so, I guess it’s not a problem. moreover, chemo drug is a toxic drug, you want it out of your body as soon as it's done to minimize damage to other major organs. the tonic is just to reduce the side effects.

today, i woke up feeling much better…less breathless and more attentive. i guess it works.

now, i would like to say a special thanks to a group of nice people that have me in their thoughts and prayers. i received the card just a while ago. i think it came in yesterday but we didn’t check the mailbox earlier.

THANK YOU SO MUCH to Agnes, Jasmine, Dinah, LB, AnnieQ, Jesslyn, Domestic Goddess, Yvonne, Sue, Michelle, Hui Sia, Chanel, Eva Leong and Mom of Cairo. appreciate the thought.

let’s take a break from my long monotonous write-up with some visual stimuli. my camera auto-focus kaput and I need to get it repair but in the meantime, let's look at some of my old favorite collections…

one ordinary lazy late afternoon….one cool grandpa….



teaching the 2 little fellas how to somersault.



as ordinary as it may sounds but when peep at a certain angle, it looks extraordinary to me….not the photos but the moments….LOVE IT!

continuance from Op DAY + 3.
Saturday, 19th May

i woke up Day 1 feeling helpless…Day 2 feeling scared…Day 3 feeling energized and today, feeling very good and calm. as usual, I went for my morning walk…followed by breakfast and then a visit from my respiratory doc.

while my surgeon is the one to support my inclination, my respiratory doc is always in disbelief seeing me recovering at the speed I’m riding. they work in great harmony – one set the targets and the other acknowledges the accomplishment. i can’t be thankful enough to have them overseeing me.

he said disbelievingly, “you did well…you look good... we may not have someone your age that comes in for a pneumonectomy, such a major surgery… but if we take you into the statistic of this hospital, you are the 1st patient that recover exceptionally well…you are like walking on the 2nd? 3rd day?... we have very strong young man that we opened up just to see what’s going on inside…we didn’t even remove anything and yet he couldn’t get out of bed for 5 days…and you are going to the gym already!
on his way out, i heard him saying to the nurse “she even looks better than you” (health-wise).

the title of ‘1st ICU patient to walk around ICU’ and the ‘1st ICU patient at the gym’ are more like a tease since technically, I’m not an ICU patient but stuck at ICU due to unavailability of rooms. however, i’m definitely claiming this ‘1st patient to recover exceptionally well’.

i have this feeling surging inside me but I’m not sure what it is… it’s not proud…it's not satisfaction…not accomplishment…not victorious…

i went to the gym juggling with the feeling and when I’m on my way back to my room, i saw my surgeon at the nurses’ counter. I greet him and asked “will you be seeing me?”
he said, “go back to your room, I will come… and I need to talk to you”.

when you had cancer…you feel like whenever your doc has something to talk to you is definitely bad news. at that moment, I thought or could be my ‘me-devil’ cursing “oh no, my histology report is out and they found sometime bad….more bad news.” that worries show instantly on my face. i guess my surgeon saw it too as he tailed me straight away and he broke the news before I even get to the room. “I want to talk to you about going home”.

“huh?”

when we settled down in the room, he checked my wound and calmly said “I have spoken to Dr Chan and we both agreed that you did very well and we can let you go home tomorrow if you want to”. I’m still speechless. He continued “of course, this is a private hospital, you can stay another day and go back Monday if you want to. do think about it and let us know by today”. I’m still speechless until he told the nurse to remove the last needle on my hand. i managed to say “oh yes. thank you”.

once he left, i started calling my hubby…my parents and sms everybody. i was expected to stay in the hospital for 10 days and now i can be released half the time. That’s one piece of good news.

when I calm down from the excitement…
I brokedown…and cried…and cried…and cried …i cried so hard that I’m totally out of breath and almost suffocate myself….to the extent that I almost buzz the nurse to get me the oxygen supply. the earlier feeling that is surging up since morning has eventually over-spilled.

Everyone told me to BE STRONG . it’s easier said than done. a strong mind and a strong body doesn’t come overnight…you need time to build it up and I hardly have time.

Everyone told me to STAY FOCUS and KEEP A POSITIVE MIND SET. when you are at the lowest of the lowest, your mind easily wanders and it’s harder than you think to stay positive when everything you know tells you otherwise.

Everyone told me to FIGHT HARD. i’m not even sure who am i fighting with. myself?

i know the above are CRUCIAL for me to stay alive but I’m not sure I understand how… there is no guidelines to be strong…there is no protocol to stay focus or positive…there is no list of what to fight….it’s all elusive. how would I know whether I’m doing the right thing? It’s a gamble of life…the stake is too high.

when I brokedown and cried, I felt a moment of simply hope turn into reality……maybe if I keep doing what I’m doing… I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN… maybe if I keep doing what I’m doing …I CAN PULL THRU’.

at that moment, i felt like I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN...

anyway, i didn’t really go home Sunday. my hubby called earlier that Brad is having fever and he needs to take him to see the doctor and will be coming to see me later. he thinks I should stay another day in the hospital to avoid catching the virus from Brad. so, i stayed another day but the weekend was fun with lots of family members and friends coming over to see me.

the irony of it all:

- i was discharged from the hospital on my wedding anniversary. the most truthful and meaningful celebration I have ever had-just to be safe at home with my family.

- i have the last stitch removed at my surgeon clinic a week later on my birthday. it left me a reminder that my birthday won’t come easy anymore. I need to work hard and earn it for every year that is to come.

can i ask for a little favor?
would you be so kind to wish me good health years ahead so that i can celebrate many many more birthdays?
i believe in the goodness of people heart and kind thoughts can make a difference.
thank you so much....from the bottom of my health.



A note to myself:
Be Strong…Stay focus and Positive… Have Faith and Fight Hard.

PLEASE MAKE IT HAPPEN….this is one battle you don’t want to lose.