....it's all good....
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
how do i even begin?
to put it simply, i was given emend this cycle and for the past one week, i was in a stupor.
Emend. a powerful emesis drug specifically formulated to inhibit acute nausea and vomiting set off by chemotherapy. it came with a pricey tag of RM100 per capsule, a pack of 3 capsules, to be taken each for 3 days consecutively.
does it work?
…like a miracle drug for its purpose. i didn’t vomit at all this round and it even managed to curb nausea to the minimal.
too good to be true? let’s see.
the drug sort of penetrates the brain and occupies brain NK1 receptors or something like that whatever it means. me...with a body that i suspect is super sensitive to drug ….i became overly receptive- i think. i felt like i have a total system shut down. i have been sleeping around the clock for the past 4-5 days. i slept more than 20 hours a day and even when i’m awake, don’t trust with me anything. my mind was far far away in another space and dimension even though my feet were safety grounded on earth. not in a creepy way but fantasy whimsical way…and this, i’m not complaining. a pleasant distraction indeed.
it’s the exhaustion…the fatigue…the ‘fatigue-to-the-core’ kinda of tiredness …that drained me off. i simply dozed off in a middle of a conversation…i fell asleep on the couch unperturbed by screaming and jumping kids around me…after two spoonful of food into my mouth, i already declared i’m too tired to eat and i need to go back to sleep. to lift me up a little, i suggested to follow my husband to pick up the kids but i fell asleep back and forth...it was a top 20 minutes drive only. how pathetic.
of course, side effects are not suppose to be permanent. i’m already coming out of it. in fact, i know i’m recovering when my senses started to kick in on Sunday…feeling the hit of other Cisplatinum side effects like breathlessness, the awakening of nerves pain from an old surgical wound…i really mean old news- already 3 months has lapsed since the operation and yet, my nerves still remembers it vividly…*sigh*, such a good memory and thankfully, the pain is subsiding too. and the nasty taste bud…yucks!!
my hubby is voting for emend. i can fully understand it’s easier for him to see me curl up in bed and sleep than hurling over the toilet bowl puking yellow bile glop with anguish written all over my face. as for me……..okay, probably you don’t hear me say this before but that’s because i tend not to write when i feel really down....
unlike some chronic diseases such as diabetes and heart diseases, cancer are more often than not are instantly associated with death. when you are diagnosed with cancer, you are put face to face with death, expecting you to confront it vigilantly when you are so unprepared for it. my dad said, cancer is not a death sentence. trust me- he knows better. i don’t think cancer is a death sentence either… many have live to prove it. however, it's a life sentence…a life sentence of death. till date, there is no fool-proof way that cancer can be cured…despite doing your best to beat it with whatever treatment thrown at you, there is no guarantee you are going to live out the remaining years of your life in peace. once diagnosed with cancer, life ahead will always be threatened with death…living in the uncertainty that it can always come back to haunt you. it’s something that i need to learn to deal with moving forward. have i conquered it yet? i doubt i have but i will. i have to.
for me, death threats come in the form of a BIG bully lurking around the corner waiting for an opportunity to pound….the moment i feel weak, sick and fragile, it will pick on me, shove me around, daring me to give up. at times, i will try to arm wrestle it to keep it at bay but once i’m feeling better…a little stronger, i will try to kick it ass so hard just to piss it off enough to leave me alone. the truth is - it will never go away but as said, it’s something that i need to learn to live with….i guess i can live with it so long i can keep it passive and less intimidating.
well, i didn’t get to kick any asses this cycle. which is cool. i think emend knocked it down too. so, i’m rooting for emend for my final cycle. (thanks Chanel- for the tip).
i actually want to make this post short but I got a little carried away.
there are friends that I want to reach out and say my sincere thanks but I’m waiting for the mind-numbing effect of the drug to wear off before i do so.
so, I’m saving it for my next post.
be back soon...
Emend. a powerful emesis drug specifically formulated to inhibit acute nausea and vomiting set off by chemotherapy. it came with a pricey tag of RM100 per capsule, a pack of 3 capsules, to be taken each for 3 days consecutively.
does it work?
…like a miracle drug for its purpose. i didn’t vomit at all this round and it even managed to curb nausea to the minimal.
too good to be true? let’s see.
the drug sort of penetrates the brain and occupies brain NK1 receptors or something like that whatever it means. me...with a body that i suspect is super sensitive to drug ….i became overly receptive- i think. i felt like i have a total system shut down. i have been sleeping around the clock for the past 4-5 days. i slept more than 20 hours a day and even when i’m awake, don’t trust with me anything. my mind was far far away in another space and dimension even though my feet were safety grounded on earth. not in a creepy way but fantasy whimsical way…and this, i’m not complaining. a pleasant distraction indeed.
it’s the exhaustion…the fatigue…the ‘fatigue-to-the-core’ kinda of tiredness …that drained me off. i simply dozed off in a middle of a conversation…i fell asleep on the couch unperturbed by screaming and jumping kids around me…after two spoonful of food into my mouth, i already declared i’m too tired to eat and i need to go back to sleep. to lift me up a little, i suggested to follow my husband to pick up the kids but i fell asleep back and forth...it was a top 20 minutes drive only. how pathetic.
of course, side effects are not suppose to be permanent. i’m already coming out of it. in fact, i know i’m recovering when my senses started to kick in on Sunday…feeling the hit of other Cisplatinum side effects like breathlessness, the awakening of nerves pain from an old surgical wound…i really mean old news- already 3 months has lapsed since the operation and yet, my nerves still remembers it vividly…*sigh*, such a good memory and thankfully, the pain is subsiding too. and the nasty taste bud…yucks!!
my hubby is voting for emend. i can fully understand it’s easier for him to see me curl up in bed and sleep than hurling over the toilet bowl puking yellow bile glop with anguish written all over my face. as for me……..okay, probably you don’t hear me say this before but that’s because i tend not to write when i feel really down....
unlike some chronic diseases such as diabetes and heart diseases, cancer are more often than not are instantly associated with death. when you are diagnosed with cancer, you are put face to face with death, expecting you to confront it vigilantly when you are so unprepared for it. my dad said, cancer is not a death sentence. trust me- he knows better. i don’t think cancer is a death sentence either… many have live to prove it. however, it's a life sentence…a life sentence of death. till date, there is no fool-proof way that cancer can be cured…despite doing your best to beat it with whatever treatment thrown at you, there is no guarantee you are going to live out the remaining years of your life in peace. once diagnosed with cancer, life ahead will always be threatened with death…living in the uncertainty that it can always come back to haunt you. it’s something that i need to learn to deal with moving forward. have i conquered it yet? i doubt i have but i will. i have to.
for me, death threats come in the form of a BIG bully lurking around the corner waiting for an opportunity to pound….the moment i feel weak, sick and fragile, it will pick on me, shove me around, daring me to give up. at times, i will try to arm wrestle it to keep it at bay but once i’m feeling better…a little stronger, i will try to kick it ass so hard just to piss it off enough to leave me alone. the truth is - it will never go away but as said, it’s something that i need to learn to live with….i guess i can live with it so long i can keep it passive and less intimidating.
well, i didn’t get to kick any asses this cycle. which is cool. i think emend knocked it down too. so, i’m rooting for emend for my final cycle. (thanks Chanel- for the tip).
i actually want to make this post short but I got a little carried away.
there are friends that I want to reach out and say my sincere thanks but I’m waiting for the mind-numbing effect of the drug to wear off before i do so.
so, I’m saving it for my next post.
be back soon...
Sunday, August 19, 2007
am i bald yet?
ah- ah. not yet.
my hair is falling off steadily everyday. i don’t get bald spots but it just thinning out evenly. from front view, it doesn’t look that obvious unless you really pay attention but from top view, you can see my scalp. yep, I cut it short and funny that it’s growing longer just as fast as it’s falling out….oh maybe, it just my imagination.
frankly, I’m not so concern about losing my hair….but the mess and chores that come with it can be daunting. every time I shower, I spent more time rinsing off hair from my body that the soapy bubbles and then the drain is clogged so frequently that I spent half of my shower time just picking up clumps of hair off the drain. when I'm finally done and blotting my hair dry, i spent more time picking up strands of hair stuck on the towel.
after every hair wash, i will comb my hair over the sink to collect the fallen hair at one spot for easy cleaning up. when I comb my hair, the comb will fills up with each pass. I will usually comb my hair again and again and again until I’m convinced no more hair will come off.
when I run my hand over my head, strands of hair stays between my fingers. I will wrap it up with tissue paper, walk to the dustbin and throw it away. i will then run my hands through my head again, wrap the fallen hair with tissue paper, walk to the dustbin and throw it away. I will do this over and over again like an auto replay. at time I just can’t stop....like some kind of weird addiction…. until my hubby said, “honey, please stop pulling your hair off”. the thing is i’m not pulling it off…it just came off so easily.
no matter how much I try to contain the mess, you can still find my hair on the pillows, the couch, the floor, the bed, the bathroom etc. etc. I sit on the couch – there’s hair on the couch. I sit on the toilet bowl – there’s hair on the bathroom floor. I lie in bed, there’s hair on the pillow. it's everywhere.
it does occur to me that I should just shave it off…make life easier.
what stop me? him.
there was this one time, I was combing my hair over the sink after my hair wash. this little boy saw me and popped into the bathroom.
tip toeing over the sink, he asked me, “mummy, what are you doing?”
me: “you see mummy hair falling off?”
he was looking at me and then at my hair all over the sink.
i mused to my son: “do you think mummy should shave mummy's head? do you want to see mummy botakhead (bald)?”
Brad answered calmly and quietly: “no”.
that gentle “no” caught my attention. i stopped combing my hair. knelt down to his level and asked him “why?”
Brad: “i don’t want mummy botakhead (bald). mummy is a girl girl. girl girl cannot botakhead (bald)”.
i ushered him to come closer and said “give mummy a hug”.
Brad is very, very generous with hugs and kisses. he never refuses one when I ask for it.
he hugged me and i asked him, “will you still love mummy if mummy is botakhead (bald)”
Brad: “I always love mummy”.
i squeezed him and held him a while longer. I know this boy will love me no matter what.
okay, so I’m totally bribed with a hug and a touchy “I always love mummy” from this boy. for now, i leave my hair as it is.
it's definitely time for a little fun with bandanas and funky hats....
my hair is falling off steadily everyday. i don’t get bald spots but it just thinning out evenly. from front view, it doesn’t look that obvious unless you really pay attention but from top view, you can see my scalp. yep, I cut it short and funny that it’s growing longer just as fast as it’s falling out….oh maybe, it just my imagination.
frankly, I’m not so concern about losing my hair….but the mess and chores that come with it can be daunting. every time I shower, I spent more time rinsing off hair from my body that the soapy bubbles and then the drain is clogged so frequently that I spent half of my shower time just picking up clumps of hair off the drain. when I'm finally done and blotting my hair dry, i spent more time picking up strands of hair stuck on the towel.
after every hair wash, i will comb my hair over the sink to collect the fallen hair at one spot for easy cleaning up. when I comb my hair, the comb will fills up with each pass. I will usually comb my hair again and again and again until I’m convinced no more hair will come off.
when I run my hand over my head, strands of hair stays between my fingers. I will wrap it up with tissue paper, walk to the dustbin and throw it away. i will then run my hands through my head again, wrap the fallen hair with tissue paper, walk to the dustbin and throw it away. I will do this over and over again like an auto replay. at time I just can’t stop....like some kind of weird addiction…. until my hubby said, “honey, please stop pulling your hair off”. the thing is i’m not pulling it off…it just came off so easily.
no matter how much I try to contain the mess, you can still find my hair on the pillows, the couch, the floor, the bed, the bathroom etc. etc. I sit on the couch – there’s hair on the couch. I sit on the toilet bowl – there’s hair on the bathroom floor. I lie in bed, there’s hair on the pillow. it's everywhere.
it does occur to me that I should just shave it off…make life easier.
what stop me? him.
there was this one time, I was combing my hair over the sink after my hair wash. this little boy saw me and popped into the bathroom.
tip toeing over the sink, he asked me, “mummy, what are you doing?”
me: “you see mummy hair falling off?”
he was looking at me and then at my hair all over the sink.
i mused to my son: “do you think mummy should shave mummy's head? do you want to see mummy botakhead (bald)?”
Brad answered calmly and quietly: “no”.
that gentle “no” caught my attention. i stopped combing my hair. knelt down to his level and asked him “why?”
Brad: “i don’t want mummy botakhead (bald). mummy is a girl girl. girl girl cannot botakhead (bald)”.
i ushered him to come closer and said “give mummy a hug”.
Brad is very, very generous with hugs and kisses. he never refuses one when I ask for it.
he hugged me and i asked him, “will you still love mummy if mummy is botakhead (bald)”
Brad: “I always love mummy”.
i squeezed him and held him a while longer. I know this boy will love me no matter what.
okay, so I’m totally bribed with a hug and a touchy “I always love mummy” from this boy. for now, i leave my hair as it is.
it's definitely time for a little fun with bandanas and funky hats....
Friday, August 17, 2007
few gOOd days
last week i missed treatment again. my blood test result showed the lowest reading ever. my platelets was good – not affected at all. i’m mildly anemic with my red blood cells count slightly below par. the major, major concern was my white blood cell (wbc). once again, it was way below par and the one measure of risk is the absolute Neutrophil count but it turned out ‘---’ i.e. unreadable. Neutrophil, one type of wbc is the main defense against infection and with an unreadable count, I’m at extremely high risk of infection. this is no joke - I can easily end up in ICU if I catch an infection or get a chill.
my oncologist asked with concern, “you are not having fever or feeling unwell, are you?
i replied, “no”.
then he said, “obviously we can’t continue treatment with your condition. go home and rest well. we will look at you again next week.”
my head was screaming oh no, this is no good. no good at all. this is the second time I skip treatment but at the same time my heart was leaping in delight and singing,
'whohoe…whihoo...' to the tune of Gwen Stefani -the sweet escape.
you can say- my head and heart was totally out of sync.
well, it has been a tough month and not that I want to miss treatment but i really can do with a break. anyway, i can’t really continue treatment under my condition- the chemo will kill me before it even kill the cancer cells.
my oncologist then asked, “do you want Neupogen?”
“No!” – it came out more like a reflex than a thought out answer. that show how badly i despise Neupogen although it's considered a life saver under certain circumstances. i’m not sure why- Neupogen gives me the blues.
gosh, if I’m going to miss treatment, let me recover and heal naturally. I will have the Neupogen next week to prepare myself for cycle 3. for now, just give my body a break and i will be extra extra careful.
that’s the deal- no treatment, no Neupogen for a week. and that’s all it takes to make me happy. although it’s impossible to be 100% myself again within a few days but recovering to at least 60-70% of my old self is so good that it keep my mind focus that I can be well again when treatment is over. I have a really good few days last week that my little Matt called her mama beautiful….here is the story:
Matt : "mummy, you are so beautiful."
Me : "yeah? do you know what is beautiful?"
Matt : "hmmm….beautiful means ……HAPPY."
Me : *I let out a few giggles* "do you think mummy is happy?"
Matt : "yeah….mummy is happy ….because mummy plays with me…"
you see, even my little boy can tell that his mummy is happy. mmm…it must be a long while since I last played with him. if beautiful really means happy, then he has just made me feel beautiful that day.
that was last week. this week, i’m backed on chemo treatment. my blood test barely scrape through (wbc count back to border line but neutrophil still slightly below par) but since I have no fever and generally look well, we continued treatment. there is no escape for Neupogen too. i actually asked for it…in anticipation of the next Cisplatin chemo- the treatment i can't afford and don’t want to miss. thank goodness-I only need one shot this time and my hubby gave me the jab yesterday morning…. although still a wee bit tired today but feeling better already.
and that ….I have completed Cycle 2.
going for Cycle 3 treatment 1 next Tuesday…can’t help but feeling nervous and scared…..but gotta bite the bullets-yea. already half way through and let’s take it to the end. the little break managed to get my spirit all fire up to continue the battle.
update on CA125. it has dropped more than half to 70.3 from first reading 147.8. We need to bring it down below 35 by end of treatment. I think I can make it…cross my fingers!
my oncologist asked with concern, “you are not having fever or feeling unwell, are you?
i replied, “no”.
then he said, “obviously we can’t continue treatment with your condition. go home and rest well. we will look at you again next week.”
my head was screaming oh no, this is no good. no good at all. this is the second time I skip treatment but at the same time my heart was leaping in delight and singing,
'whohoe…whihoo...' to the tune of Gwen Stefani -the sweet escape.
you can say- my head and heart was totally out of sync.
well, it has been a tough month and not that I want to miss treatment but i really can do with a break. anyway, i can’t really continue treatment under my condition- the chemo will kill me before it even kill the cancer cells.
my oncologist then asked, “do you want Neupogen?”
“No!” – it came out more like a reflex than a thought out answer. that show how badly i despise Neupogen although it's considered a life saver under certain circumstances. i’m not sure why- Neupogen gives me the blues.
gosh, if I’m going to miss treatment, let me recover and heal naturally. I will have the Neupogen next week to prepare myself for cycle 3. for now, just give my body a break and i will be extra extra careful.
that’s the deal- no treatment, no Neupogen for a week. and that’s all it takes to make me happy. although it’s impossible to be 100% myself again within a few days but recovering to at least 60-70% of my old self is so good that it keep my mind focus that I can be well again when treatment is over. I have a really good few days last week that my little Matt called her mama beautiful….here is the story:
Matt : "mummy, you are so beautiful."
Me : "yeah? do you know what is beautiful?"
Matt : "hmmm….beautiful means ……HAPPY."
Me : *I let out a few giggles* "do you think mummy is happy?"
Matt : "yeah….mummy is happy ….because mummy plays with me…"
you see, even my little boy can tell that his mummy is happy. mmm…it must be a long while since I last played with him. if beautiful really means happy, then he has just made me feel beautiful that day.
that was last week. this week, i’m backed on chemo treatment. my blood test barely scrape through (wbc count back to border line but neutrophil still slightly below par) but since I have no fever and generally look well, we continued treatment. there is no escape for Neupogen too. i actually asked for it…in anticipation of the next Cisplatin chemo- the treatment i can't afford and don’t want to miss. thank goodness-I only need one shot this time and my hubby gave me the jab yesterday morning…. although still a wee bit tired today but feeling better already.
and that ….I have completed Cycle 2.
going for Cycle 3 treatment 1 next Tuesday…can’t help but feeling nervous and scared…..but gotta bite the bullets-yea. already half way through and let’s take it to the end. the little break managed to get my spirit all fire up to continue the battle.
update on CA125. it has dropped more than half to 70.3 from first reading 147.8. We need to bring it down below 35 by end of treatment. I think I can make it…cross my fingers!
Monday, August 06, 2007
Dancing-Elisa
i love this song.
it makes me cry. I first heard it on "So You Think You Can Dance" to a contemporary piece choreograph by Mia Michaels. i just want to post it here to remember it.
Lyrics:
Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
’cause it’s all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather
So I put my arms around you around you
And I know that I’ll be leaving soon
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And you see that I can’t stop shaking
No, I won’t step back but I’ll look down to hide from your eyes
’cause what I feel is so sweet and I’m scared that even my own breath
Oh could burst it if it were a bubble
And I’d better dream if I have to struggle
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
I’m dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music’s the reason why I know time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
if you like the song, you may like the dance too. it's beautifully choreographed and performed.
it makes me cry. I first heard it on "So You Think You Can Dance" to a contemporary piece choreograph by Mia Michaels. i just want to post it here to remember it.
Lyrics:
Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
’cause it’s all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather
So I put my arms around you around you
And I know that I’ll be leaving soon
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And you see that I can’t stop shaking
No, I won’t step back but I’ll look down to hide from your eyes
’cause what I feel is so sweet and I’m scared that even my own breath
Oh could burst it if it were a bubble
And I’d better dream if I have to struggle
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
I’m dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music’s the reason why I know time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
if you like the song, you may like the dance too. it's beautifully choreographed and performed.
my chemo LIFE
so sorry for the long silence. i'm so under the weather lately...feeling so mushy that what i write may not even make sense. my life nowadays is a sickening routine. sickening in the real sense. if i'm not vomiting, i'm in pain. if i'm not in pain, i feel like i'm having a relentless hangover. it's like an unstoppable vicious cycle.
i have completed cycle 1 dreadfully. the recovery period is so short that i was knocked down again and again before i had a chance to get better. before i recover from vomiting...i was down with stomach flu and even vomited more ferociously...and before i recover from the flu...my white blood cell (wbc) count was too low and i have to miss one treatment (which was actually a breather since it allow me a longer recovery period but missing treatment is not good)...i was backed for treatment a week later feeling more cheerful but dissapointed that my wbc count was still way too low.
my oncologist said "you cannot afford to miss another treatment, so we are going to proceed with treatment today in expectation of further hit on you wbc. to counteract, we will give you neupogen that you need to self inject in your tummy for 3 consecutive days to stimulate the bone marrow to produce wbc".
the neupogen drug really works but it comes with a price of course. in addition to chemo side effects, i have to also deal with neupogen side effects of achy bones, more nausea and general unwellness. i felt so damn lousy but before i have time to recover-cylce 2 treatment 1 is due.
well, the vomiting cycle begin all over again. this time it hit me so hard that i can barely get up. chemo has cumulative effect. toxins build up + a weaker body = i'm in agony. there are many occasions i almost pass out in the toliet while puking away...the broke of cold sweats...the lightheadedness... at times, i was so weak that even taking shower was strenous to me to the extent that i will be gasping for air for at least 10 minutes in order to calm my heart and regain my composure. my tastebuds gone and everything taste like plastic to me...even till now. many nights, i laid down in bed with my head feeling twice its size and a very very empty stomach and yet i can't sleep...i can't eat.
"WHY?"....why am i taking it so bad...is it something i do...or didn't do???? i just need to know and this is what my oncologist said,
"it depends on the drug and the regimen. based on clinical trial for your regimen, people under these categories "men, old (>55) and alcoholic" tends to torelate very well. obviously, you are none of the above and that's why you suffer a bit more. poor you. you are so little and we did tortured you quite a bit-huh?"
wait..wait..wait...'little?' i'm thin but not 'little' ....can't help but wonder- am i diminishing in size so obviously?
if what he said is true (my hubby said it's true as he checked it out in the internet), then there is nothing i can do but bite the bullet. come to think of it, i have very low tolerance for alcohol...usually i will go straight to vomiting before i even have a chance to get drunk...just imagine, i will get all flush, tipsy, giggly just eating chicken rice wine. Moreover, i have very low torelance for medicine too. believe me that i have not taken more than 10 panadol tablets in my whole life. after my lung surgery, i already cut down the pain killers from 3x to only 1x (before bed) on the 4th day...i rather bear with the pain than the drowsiness from the medication. and now, i felt like i'm having a hangover everyday.
anyway, my oncologist said for my size, probably they can lower the dosage slightly in my next treatment and think that it's still going to be effective. currently i'm at maximum dosage and they will lower the dosage by 10% in the next cycle. i'm not sure this is good or bad. 10% is not much but if size really matter, then probably i'm overdose...European men (it's an European regimen) are easily twice my size. but then again, if i'm going to suffer no matter what- then i rather suffer for 4 months intensely for treatment that will work. i'm so confused. i will think about it when the next cycle comes.
i'm feeling good today but not long, i'm going for treatment again tomorrow. i have not step out the house for the past 2 weeks and i feel like going for reflextology today. gotta be careful though. when i went in for my cycle 2 tmt 2 last Tuesday, my wbc was rigth at the borderline and the treatment would probably reduced it to unacceptable level by now. so, i'm in danger zone again- non existence immune system. i have a feeling when i go in for my treatment tomorrow, my wbc will be so low, they will give me neupogen again.....*sigh* i told you it's an unstoppable vicious cycle.
cheerio for now.
(1) at the time when i'm feeling so blue and beaten, a courier came in with a message "THERE IS HOPE" - it's a prominent title of a book. i can't help but let out a few giggles. as i read the book, i'm reminded that there are people out there that been through worst and yet they are surviving today. thank you all with love embedded in my heart:
Jasmine. Dinah. Agnes. Hui Sia. Evageline. Yvonne. Sue. Michelle. Ivy. Jesslyn. Annie Q. LB. Mom of Cairo. Cheryl. Chew Lee. King's Wife. Sylvia Hoo. Twinilla Kok. Eileen. Sasha. Pearl. Chanel. Tracy.
dear Jasmine, thanks for the letter. i enjoyed reading it....you made me laugh. i will try to post something about the kids next time.
(2) my dear Anne, Kartina and Claudia, thanks for the lovely card and pick me messages. love you gals much.
(3) dear Chanel, thanks for the tips on Emend. i did asked for it but according to my oncologist and the nurses, Emend is the strongest form of anti-nausea and it will make me extremely fatique that i might end up bed ridden. so, they didn't give me Emend last round but they are considering giving it to me in my next cycle.
i have completed cycle 1 dreadfully. the recovery period is so short that i was knocked down again and again before i had a chance to get better. before i recover from vomiting...i was down with stomach flu and even vomited more ferociously...and before i recover from the flu...my white blood cell (wbc) count was too low and i have to miss one treatment (which was actually a breather since it allow me a longer recovery period but missing treatment is not good)...i was backed for treatment a week later feeling more cheerful but dissapointed that my wbc count was still way too low.
my oncologist said "you cannot afford to miss another treatment, so we are going to proceed with treatment today in expectation of further hit on you wbc. to counteract, we will give you neupogen that you need to self inject in your tummy for 3 consecutive days to stimulate the bone marrow to produce wbc".
the neupogen drug really works but it comes with a price of course. in addition to chemo side effects, i have to also deal with neupogen side effects of achy bones, more nausea and general unwellness. i felt so damn lousy but before i have time to recover-cylce 2 treatment 1 is due.
well, the vomiting cycle begin all over again. this time it hit me so hard that i can barely get up. chemo has cumulative effect. toxins build up + a weaker body = i'm in agony. there are many occasions i almost pass out in the toliet while puking away...the broke of cold sweats...the lightheadedness... at times, i was so weak that even taking shower was strenous to me to the extent that i will be gasping for air for at least 10 minutes in order to calm my heart and regain my composure. my tastebuds gone and everything taste like plastic to me...even till now. many nights, i laid down in bed with my head feeling twice its size and a very very empty stomach and yet i can't sleep...i can't eat.
"WHY?"....why am i taking it so bad...is it something i do...or didn't do???? i just need to know and this is what my oncologist said,
"it depends on the drug and the regimen. based on clinical trial for your regimen, people under these categories "men, old (>55) and alcoholic" tends to torelate very well. obviously, you are none of the above and that's why you suffer a bit more. poor you. you are so little and we did tortured you quite a bit-huh?"
wait..wait..wait...'little?' i'm thin but not 'little' ....can't help but wonder- am i diminishing in size so obviously?
if what he said is true (my hubby said it's true as he checked it out in the internet), then there is nothing i can do but bite the bullet. come to think of it, i have very low tolerance for alcohol...usually i will go straight to vomiting before i even have a chance to get drunk...just imagine, i will get all flush, tipsy, giggly just eating chicken rice wine. Moreover, i have very low torelance for medicine too. believe me that i have not taken more than 10 panadol tablets in my whole life. after my lung surgery, i already cut down the pain killers from 3x to only 1x (before bed) on the 4th day...i rather bear with the pain than the drowsiness from the medication. and now, i felt like i'm having a hangover everyday.
anyway, my oncologist said for my size, probably they can lower the dosage slightly in my next treatment and think that it's still going to be effective. currently i'm at maximum dosage and they will lower the dosage by 10% in the next cycle. i'm not sure this is good or bad. 10% is not much but if size really matter, then probably i'm overdose...European men (it's an European regimen) are easily twice my size. but then again, if i'm going to suffer no matter what- then i rather suffer for 4 months intensely for treatment that will work. i'm so confused. i will think about it when the next cycle comes.
i'm feeling good today but not long, i'm going for treatment again tomorrow. i have not step out the house for the past 2 weeks and i feel like going for reflextology today. gotta be careful though. when i went in for my cycle 2 tmt 2 last Tuesday, my wbc was rigth at the borderline and the treatment would probably reduced it to unacceptable level by now. so, i'm in danger zone again- non existence immune system. i have a feeling when i go in for my treatment tomorrow, my wbc will be so low, they will give me neupogen again.....*sigh* i told you it's an unstoppable vicious cycle.
cheerio for now.
(1) at the time when i'm feeling so blue and beaten, a courier came in with a message "THERE IS HOPE" - it's a prominent title of a book. i can't help but let out a few giggles. as i read the book, i'm reminded that there are people out there that been through worst and yet they are surviving today. thank you all with love embedded in my heart:
Jasmine. Dinah. Agnes. Hui Sia. Evageline. Yvonne. Sue. Michelle. Ivy. Jesslyn. Annie Q. LB. Mom of Cairo. Cheryl. Chew Lee. King's Wife. Sylvia Hoo. Twinilla Kok. Eileen. Sasha. Pearl. Chanel. Tracy.
dear Jasmine, thanks for the letter. i enjoyed reading it....you made me laugh. i will try to post something about the kids next time.
(2) my dear Anne, Kartina and Claudia, thanks for the lovely card and pick me messages. love you gals much.
(3) dear Chanel, thanks for the tips on Emend. i did asked for it but according to my oncologist and the nurses, Emend is the strongest form of anti-nausea and it will make me extremely fatique that i might end up bed ridden. so, they didn't give me Emend last round but they are considering giving it to me in my next cycle.
