....it's all good....

before they gave me the chemo drug, they will have to draw some blood and do some test to ensure i'm physically fit for it. some of the things they look out for are the liver function test, kidney function test, red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets counts.

i decided i want a copy of all the test results so that i can monitor my own health condition too. before the chemo, the last test shows that my white blood and platelets counts are good but my red blood counts and haemoglobin level are sitting right at the border line. this is kinda expected cause i'm on an organic vegan diet for the past 2 months. i tried to substitute the protein and iron nutrients with other means but i guess the absorption rate is not good as meat.

i think my reb blood count has further drop. i was breathless yesterday and still breathless now. the tightness of chest came back but this time, it's not due to my body adjusting to one lung ...it's mainly due to low oxygen level circulating in my body as a result of low red blood count, a side effect from the chemo.

of course, the wise thing to do now is to eat meat ...especially red meat to pump up my reb blood count but i'm in a catch 22 situation now. one one hand, i need to eat meat but on the other hand, i threw up so badly when i eat meat. i'm not even taking red meat but just some fish. it's no longer a mild puke..i practically churned my stomach inside out.

so, how now?

i guess just stay calm and cool. take care of the stomach and get some food in instead. i will have another blood test next Tuesday and if my red blood cell drop to an unacceptable, they will probably give me blood infusion to bring it back up.

continuance from Op DAY + 2.
Friday, 18th May

i woke up that morning feeling like an overcharged energizer battery. i was so excited i couldn’t wait to get the day started. i’m up very early…cleaned up and changeover to my own outfit… i’m done with the hospital gown-bygones.

now that I have my green card, i was so ever ready to go for my walk outside ICU…i notified the nurse and dashed off quickly…just in case she stop me.

i’m not sure this is how a prisoner will feel when first release back to the world…but the feeling is so good that i’m on adrenalin high for the whole day. it’s still early…the place is quiet and fresh…i went straight to the little park within the hospital compound. i just sat there on a bench for almost an hour…breathing the outside air …soaking the morning sunshine… just living that moment. it did wonder to the soul and mind. it’s good to feel alive.

thereafter I went back to my room…took my breakfast…hanged around a little while waiting anxiously for my physiotherapy to take me to the gym. she came around 10 am to pick me up to the gym. I’m not sure why but she was so proud of me that she kept announcing to her co-workers that i’m her 1st ICU patient at the gym. once again, technically i’m not an ICU patient and she knew I’m stuck at ICU because there is no ward room available. anyway, since she was so proud of me and there was no real harm …i grinned at everybody she announced to.

i did some stretching exercises, some light treadmill walking, bicycling and steps. i took it well and there was no shortness of breath…well done ☺. when I got back to my room, my hubby was waiting for me and i dragged him straight away to accompany me for a hair wash at the saloon.

just a couple of days ago…i was lying in bed totally dependent on others but today, i’m doing things on my own…the transformation is so inspiring and liberating.

when my surgeon did his ward visit during lunch, he came over to my room…he stood there staring at me for a while.

…there I was sitting there in my own outfit…with my hair clean and let down…eating my lunch...with a smile and a cheerful 'hi'......
i definitely don’t look like an ICU patient…not even a patient…I look just too normal.

for the first time, he had nothing to comment but just waved his hand walking away saying " I see you tonight”.

when you let the good vibes roll… it will multiple by itself. they got me a room and I’m out of ICU that day.

i took my shower…and that night, I was watching American Idol finale for a while before i decided to call it day. ever since I’m admitted…this is the only night I slept well. those intermittent disruption in the middle of the night to take my temperature…blood pressure etc. etc… doesn’t bug me at all.

okay...so, i retched a lot yesterday and puked 2 1/2 time...not verociously ...but mildy. two time after meal and the half time just a few minutes ago. my stomach is empty and i just retched for a few minutes before i puked a few bubbles.

considering i'm taking the drug cisplatinum...that is very mild.

as you can see..i'm waking up at 2am again, which mean i'm easing back to my old self...insomia ..
oh please, go back to bed.

continuance from Op DAY + 1.
Thursday, 17th May

that morning…i told the nurses that i will do my own cleaning. i got out of bed, brushed my teeth, washed my face, wiped my body and changed to a new pair of hospital gown all by myself. it sounds easy but trusts me, it’s not easy when you are in pain and barely can move your right hand and the whole right torso. any kind of movement will send a sharp pain all over my body. i struggled a little but somehow, it felt good to be able to take care of my own personal needs.

i’m not sure whether it has anything to do with the chest tube being removed but i have difficulty breathing that morning. i felt my chests are so tight that it takes a lot of effort just to breath. i can hear that awful, awful hollow sounds when i’m breathing. it sounds like Darth Vader in Star Wars. there were phlegm built up in my right lung and i started to cough too.

when my physiotherapy came around and asked how am i doing, i confessed immediately. she then asked, “are you ready to walk? you need a little exercise to help expand the lung and reduce the tightness”.

sometime you will see scene in a movie where the ‘evil you’ show up tempting and tormenting you and then the ‘angelic you’ will try to pacify it by giving encouragement and assurance that everything is going to be alright. at that moment, I’m in doubt and exactly like a movie, the ‘me-devil’ spoke her spell “you can’t do this…so far, you only made it to the commode on your left and the couch on your right. If you walk out now…you will feel so breathless that your lung have to work so hard that it will collapse and you will fall dead on the floor”…that is one mean nasty ‘me’. i’m expecting the ‘me-angel’ to tell me what a crap ‘me-devil’ is and convince me otherwise. i waited…. but there is no sign of her.

so, it’s only me replying to my physiotherapy, “okay” and start removing the oxirecty and the blood pressure device. i followed her out of my room… feeling very insecure…very uncertain but the minute I walked out the room, something else caught my attention so entirely that i forgot about myself. I was looking in horror at very sick patients …babies…children…people of all ages so sick that many…no, let me correct myself…ALL of them look like either they are unconscious or just so ill to be in any sense of consciousness. It’s such a sad, sad sight and that bloody ‘me-devil’ of mine have to rub it in with “hey, that could be you…u know, maybe few months down the road if you don’t survive this.”

when I got back to my room, i felt so depressed over the thought that I may one day fall so sick…so sick that i will have to depend on drugs, machines and others to survive. finally, finally, the ‘me-angel’ emerged and whispered softly “you have looked around and yes, these people are really sick…most of them are not even awake. but look at you, you are the only one that can sit up in a couch reading a book. You should be thankful”.

yeah, she is right and she actually managed to convince me that i’m doing far better than others and i’m thankful. i latched on that for the rest of the day.

the walking actually eleviated the tightness and the hollowness in my chest. i enjoyed the feeling of ‘back on my feet’ so much that i kept walking that day. i walked to the washroom (which is about 20 feet away from room) and i walked all over ICU. some of the nurses will tease me when i walked past, “hey, we have our 1st walking ICU patient” and i always smiled back meekly at them.

it still depressed me to look around - so at times, I just walked with my head down or looking straight forward. i even asked the nurses whether they can let me walk outside ICU since technically i’m not an ICU patient but waiting for a room to be transferred out but of course, they can’t allow that. they have full responsibilities over me so long I’m still in ICU ward.

i was so eager to get out of ICU that day but unfortunately, they told me that the whole hospital is full and there is no room available at all. they already have few ICU patients in the waiting list to be transferred out of ICU since yesterday. i was told that i have to stay another day in ICU. (I found out later that the hospital is so full that it was closed and unable to receive any patients for 2 days).

when my surgeon visited that evening, the first thing he asked the nurse,
“why is she still here?”
the nurse replied “the hospital is full and we couldn’t get her a room”
he said, “you need to get her out…i want her to walk…to exercise a little”
she said, “oh yes, she is walking…she is walking to the toilet…she is walking all over ICU …she is the only ICU patient to walk around.”

i jumped right in and negotiated…or more precisely demanded, “if they are going to keep me here…let me walk out of ICU… there is no shower room here-so, at least let me go down to the salon to have my hair wash”. you must be wondering- what am I thinking? washing my hair at time like this? is that even a priority? well, I have not wash my hair for almost 3 days and what’s wrong of feeling good if I’m up to it, right? maybe it’s an excuse for me to get out of ICU but seriously, life goes on….if it makes me feel good to have clean hair, i don’t see why i should be deprived of it.

my surgeon stared at me for a while and told the nurse “let her walk outside…let her go down for her hair wash…better still, get the physiotherapy to take her to the gym tomorrow”.
you have no idea how much I like him at that time…he was so supportive that i felt anything i’m game for it, he will get me covered.

that’s the good bits of the day. the coughing gotten worst despite my respiratory doc put me on medication immediately. i have 2 docs overseeing me during my stay at the hospital. my primary doc is the surgeon and my secondary doc is the respiratory specialist.

now back to the coughing…yep, the coughing gotten worst. i was told that it’s natural for the body to produce phlegm after surgery and i need to cough it out to prevent infection. it’s so much easier said than done. THE PAIN…i can’t even describe it…every time i coughed, i felt i was being stabbed with knives all over my chest especially over the incision wound. they gave me this small little pillow to press against the incision wound whenever i cough to minimize the impact and pain. i was holding on to that little pillow like my dear life everywhere I go including the toilet. at time when I was walking and attacked by a coughing bout, i will stoop on the floor immediately with the pillow pressed hard against the incision wound to control the pain. a couple of times, i sent the nurses running over but soon, they got used to it. once the coughing stopped, i will stand up and continue walking.

it turned awfully bad at night...especially when I’m lying down. i think i coughed continuously non stop till 1-2am until i was totally exhausted. i got up... made a cup of herbal tea and sat down on the couch. i grabbed the healing scriptures given by my sister and recited it over and over again. i started to pray …I pray so hard that night... once I’m finished, the coughing miraculously stopped and it never comes back again.

yeah, you may say, the medicine has kicked in- that could be true…you may also say, my mind wanted it to stop so bad that finally the body is listening to it- that could be true too… you may claim, it’s pure coincidence- yeah, it’s a possibility .

however, I want to believe it’s HIM…it’s comforting to know that GOD has not forsaken me…surely it’s not that hard to believe...have faith.

a long day of non-stop iv drip and a lot of lazing around in bed…not bad-huh?

yeah, actually it’s not bad at all…..i was told I won’t get the side-effect instantly. it will usually come at the end of the day or the next few days if I ever get it at all. so, we (hubby and me) watched a couple of movies on my laptop..read some magazines...chit chat a bit and i even finished writing a few back-dated posts (that i intend to publish in this blog today and the next few days) while the nurses flooded my system with packs and packs of fluids ( i think it's drugs + salines to flush it off). they told me they have administered at least 3.45 litres of fluids into my body thru' iv drips and plus oral consumption of 1 litre ++, i practically consumed 5 litres of fluids within 9am to 5pm...that keeps me running to the toilet every half an hour.

i did feel tired..nauseated and very drowsy yesterday...i tried to lay down as much as possible to control and minimise the sickness. so far, there is no acute vomiting. i sleep a lot too, which is good...an area i really need to catch up on.

today...feeling slightly better than yesterday.

thank you ALL for the good wishes, encouragement, concerns and continuous prayers for me...it works miracle.

continuance from Op DAY.
Wednesday 16th May.

when you are sick and hospitalize, you feel like you have lost the right to your body…as if you have signed it off to some authority to abuse it as they like. they can poke needles at you whenever they want without your permission…they can storm in and disrupt you in the middle of your sleep anytime they want without feeling remorse.

i feel so harassed when the nurses stormed in, woke me up at 6.30am to clean and change me while I was just about to doze off…it annoyed me further when the manner it was done made me feel so violated and humiliated. they just stripped me naked and rubbed me off with soap and a damp cloth as if they are casually washing a car. i know, i know it’s their job and they do that to every ICU patients everyday…but not for me, that’s the first and last time i ever allow them to touch me that way.

when they are done, i was left lying in bed wide awake wondering, what am I to do now? am I just going to lie down here doing nothing? that’s a scary thought. luckily, my surgeon visit that morning put things in different perspective…things to look forward to.

he told me that i have stabilized and if i want to, he will discharge me from ICU that same day but he would rather I stay another day for observation. given my condition at that time, i may need someone to take care of me if i’m at normal ward and i don’t want that. many years ago, i spent more than 3 months sleeping in a hospital couch when my grandma fell very ill. i was physically drained out and emotional wrecked at that time. i grieve so deep that I never recover from it. nobody should stay over in the hospital just to take care of me if i can help it. so, i’m okay to stay another day at ICU.

he then said, “okay, you are eating already and we can remove the iv today”
“thank you” and a smile from me
he continued, “this look okay, i will come around in the afternoon to remove the chest tube”
“thank you so much” and an even bigger smile from me

i kept thinking - this is good…once they start removing all this stuff…I will be more mobile…and may even regain my independent.

he came over after lunch to remove the chest tube. i’m a bunch of raw nerves when he repeated “take a deep breath…take a deep breath” and when he pulled, i spurted out “aaaawieeeee”…it felt like someone pulled my intestine right out of my body bare handedly. thank goodness he did it so swift that it was out before I even finished the “wieeeee”. he stitched up the hole right there and then. i have an incision wound 7-8 inches long and yet that’s the ONLY single external thread i have.

once the chest tube was taken out, i indeed felt more flexible. Instead of lying down all the time, i sat up in bed to read instead. one of the sweet nurses saw me sitting up most of the time and then asked me, “would u like to sit up in a couch? i can get you a couch if you would like to sit up”.

i grabbed that offer so quickly and so eagerly as if it’s an opportunity of a lifetime. i told her i would love to have one and it’s so kind of her to suggest for it.

so, she not only got me this comfortable couch, she also helped me to sit on it. she helped me remove the ECG and we never put it back on again since i have stabilized and don’t really need it–bygones. she asked me whether it’s okay if she removed the morphine drips and she can put it back on if i don’t feel alright. i looked at the infusion pump, there is still half a pump left but I said “let’s do it” and it was never put back on – another bygones.

ICU imposed strict rules on visiting hours and hence, most of the time my hubby was out somewhere wandering around the hospital in between visiting time. we usually communicated via SMS since ICU don’t allow phone calls to avoid disruption on the medical devices. my hubby text me that my parents are on their way to the hospital even though they have earlier agreed to only come after i’m out of ICU.

i believe every parent will agree that the biggest scare and heartbreak is to deal with a child that is facing life and death situation. i can’t imagine how they feel when my hubby told them i have my whole left lung removed. my hubby said they are in shock for a while questioning a person ability to survive with one lung. in a way, i’m glad they are coming over cause i’m pretty sure what they have imagine is far worst than my current situation. they actually visited me everyday during my stay at the hospital and if that makes them feel better- i guess it's the right thing to do then.

so, i stayed on the couch till they came and they actually brought my church reverend along. ICU only allows 2 visitors per patient but I have 5 visitors at my room altogether- my hubby, my parents, my BIL and the reverend. i have no idea how they managed to pass thru’ the guard but that’s not important. when reverend saw me, she commented, “I thought you have your surgery yesterday and you are out of bed...sitting up already”. she went for hospital visits often and she was impressed I did well. most important of all, i saw a great relief in my parents’ face and i’m sure they sleep better that night.

at the start of day, I was bedridden with dependency on medical devices for survival and i have progressed to sitting up on a couch with only 2 remaining monitoring devices at the end of the day. the two devices are the pulse oxirecty and the auto blood pressure reader and both can be easily removed by me.

i think it’s a good progress….

when you hear the word 'chemo'?
the more popular answers are 'loss of hair'..bald'..and 'vomiting'.

that's true but its really more than that. you have most probably heard how damaging chemo is for your body. that's true too but how?

each person's reaction to chemotherapy is different...some take it well..some don't. of course, it depends on the drug used as well. i may have done well on the surgery side given my high threshold of pain but i'm not so sure what's my torelance level when it comes to multitude of discomfort.

as mentioned before, i will be given aggressive treatment..which mean high dosage..high toxicity drugs. i will be given 2 drugs for my proposed regimen - drug 1 is to be given once a month to allow for recovery period. drug 2 is usually given on the 1st and 2nd week and then allow for recovery period but in my case, i will have the 2nd drug every week instead. treatment follows by a rest perod is term 'a cycle' and i will have 4 cycles in the next 4 months.

i should expect severe acute nausea and vomiting for drug 1 and mild to moderate nausea and vomiting for drug 2 in the first few days after treatment. the more major or most common side effects of the drugs are:

1. decreased numbers of white blood cells, which increases the risk of infection. it can begin 7 days after treatment has been given, with resistance to infection usually reaching its lowest point 10-14 days after chemo. the blood cells will then expected to increase steadily and will usually have returned to normal levels before the next cycle of chemo is due.

2. decreased numbers of red blood cells which lead to anaemia... which make you feel tired and breathless since red blood cells involve moving oxygen around the body...and the scary part is i'm only working at one lung capacity.

3. decreased production of platelets, which help the blood to clot and control of bleeding. during this time, i have to be careful not to cut myself..taking really good care of my oral hygience to minimize gum bleeding etc etc.

given the toxicity of the drugs... there is also risk of kidney, liver, heart and lung damage. probably you know chemo will not only kill cancer cells, it damage the good cells too and increases the risk of secondary cancer later in life (if i ever live that long).

now, you must be wondering why am i still so upbeat, so high spirited and so overrun with enthusiasm when there is so much suffering and so much damage to my health. yeah- i wonder too at first. i put my health in great danger just to save it- does it even make sense?

when i was diagnosed, i'm already at stage 3...a very thin line...a very very thin line for them (the medical institute) to treat me to cure or to treat me to just prolong my life. they said they can cure me and want to cure me. to get to the safer end, it's my choice to walk a tightrope or the plank with scattered pieces of broken glasses. there is no guarantee i will get to the other end but doesn't the plank seems like a safer choice for me not to fallover?

when you look at it that way. a little suffering may not seem much in exchange for a 2nd chance in life. it may even sounds like a good bargain.

i will handle the future when it comes, right now, i need to concentrate on walking that plank...to get myself to the safer end.

note: hey Jazzmint and ZMM, i'm so touched that you would like to visit me. we will meet up but might need to delay it for a while. i'm starting chemo next Tues and i really don't know what to expect. i will be damned to ask you gals to come over with me spending the whole time hurling over the toilet bowl puking or too tired or breahtless to even hold a conversation. give me a month. since the side effects follows the treatment cycle..do let me monitor myself for the next whole month to figure out the good days and the bad days. i would love to meet you two and i want it to be fun or at least nice in our first meeting in person...is that alright?

i thought knowing what to expect with surgery can make me less anxious and stress since i had one major surgical experience just not long ago but somehow, i still felt the pre-op jittery yesterday before they insert a chemo port in me. a feeling of deja-vu...the operating theatre..the vein poking..them putting me to sleep....nausea!

ouch..ouch..ouchie...feel the pain and soreness when i move my rigth hand. so, i'm gonna make this short.

yep, of course- i survived yet another surgery (lol)...funny that i still can laugh...
anyway, the surgery was much simpler..shorter and i'm back home at the end of day. the chemo port is about the size of a twenty cent coin with a tube that connects directly to a vein. it was inserted rigth beneath the surface of the skin very near my right armpit...that's why i feel pain when i lift or move my right arm. according to the doc, the soreness will go away in 2 days. it's not really visible but you can feel it if you gently touch it.

so, adios for today...will write again once the soreness go away.

just wanna post a picture of Matt's little cutie toesies..



ps. hey mom2asley, i will drop a note to your blog later.

let's take a break from the "too serious stuff" of life and nourish the mind and soul with things i love most...my 2little fellas.

sometime to entertain them as well as educate them...we need to give them work that is also fun ... so, we let them do wall painting.



the work in progress.....



a job well done- self recognition :)



they also get to chill out in their own pool...minus the jacuzzi... pina colada... and hot babe. they are allow to take barbie along but they took ultraman for a dip instead.



on a more serious note....the two fellas are fantastic.
at time like this..i need them more than they need me....they are my pillar of strength.






and now, my first digital layout....hahahahah...such a shame. so flat and totally lack of character.
considering it's my first attempt, i will give myself 2 out of 10...hey, at least i get the photos and text in.
struggling a bit with the layers...the technical stuff...and when you add on the embellishment..pattern papers...it got out of hand. so, i discarded everything and kept it real simple...for now.
must admit- i really suck when it comes to photoshop ...but i guess there is always room for improvemnt.

putting it into my 'to-do-more' list. something fun to occupy my mind for the next 4 months..cross my fingers!



ps. i read all your comments and would like to thanks all for your concerns and well wishes. all the virtual hugs..hand holding and kisses are all reciprocated by me. i take into heart your advises and would like to mention here that i have changed my diet totally.
hi Goh, i know you are one of my biggest supporter. thank u :)

a dear friend once asked me "all this must be so surreal to you-huh?"

well, when i feel healthy and yet someone told me that i'm so sick that i can actually die from it...it's hard to believe. i saw the tumor in the x-ray..the CT scan but since there is no physical pain or symptom or whatsoever to substantiate it ...yes, indeed - it's so surreal.

however, the surrealism quickly turned to realism when i was lying down on the operating table before the surgery. the chilly cold room..the sterile smell..the harsh lighting..busy nurses..the anathesist tap-tapping the back of palm looking for a vein to poke - at the moment, it felt real. i know i will feel real pain the minute i wake up from the operation. there is this intense fear that i will wake up to and not from a nightmare...as if like i'm giving recognition to this disease. fortunately, they knocked me off soon enough. otherwise, i may have just step down and walk out the room.

i was scheduled for a lobectomy operation on 15 May 2007 10.30am. it's a surgery to desect/remove the lower lobe of my left lung, where the tumor was seen in the x-ray/ct scan. the right lung is divided into three lobes while the left lung is slightly smaller with 2 lobes to give way to the heart. The operation itself usually takes about 2 - 3 hours. i'm expected to be in ICU for 2 days and to remain in the hospital for 10 days.

i was told i was transferred out from Op Theatre to ICU around 1.30pm. i'm not sure what time it is when i first woke up but i saw my surgeon right away. he was talking but i'm not listening. i barely can keep my eyes open..my eyelids felt so heavy that i just can't keep it up for more than a few seconds. i know he was telling me about the operation but my mind was so fuzzy that i only managed to pick up one word 'pneumonectomy' and i fell right back to sleep with the word 'pneumonectomy'.

i woke up again at about 4pm and this time, i saw my hubby and he was holding my hand. although i'm still struggling to keep my eyes open, i can hear him very well.

"honey, the operation was smooth and uneventful, which mean there was no complication.....
honey, they found the tumor not in the lower lobe but in between upper and lower lobe... they have to do a pneumonectomy instead of a lobectomy...they removed your whole left lung...but the good news is - the tumor didn't touch the chest wall..the chest wall is safe. they have also removed the infected lymph nodes but you definitely needs chemo. dr Lee said you are young and strong...go for aggressive treatment..fight hard..you deserve a 2nd chance in life."

i'm not sure whether it's because i have slept on the word pneumonectomy earlier, the news didn't come out as a shock. i kinda just accepted it in peace. i had this oxygen mask on and i removed it so that i can speak,

"i'm going to be fine. i'm at ICU and they will take care of me. please go home, pick up the kids and take care of them..take good rest and come back to see me tomorrow, okay?"

that's all i managed to say..i spaced out and fell right back to sleep.
i'm not the only one wounded here...i can see it has infected him as well. the pain of just watching someone you love and care so much fell ill and yet there is nothing much you can do to help is just as extensive and real. i was in that shoe before and i know what he's going through. at least i have morphine for my pain..he need to deal with it on his own and that's not something we should trivialize. that's the reason why i don't want him to stay in the hospital with me..i want him to go home..he might not sleep well but the kids get to go home everyday and at least see their daddy, to maintain some normalcy in their life. the same reason why i don't want my parents to visit me when i'm still at ICU. i don't want them to see me like this. i'm a brave girl-i can handle this.

i didn't wake again until around 8pm. physically-i felt tonnes heavier..very limited movement.. general pain but not in an extreme degree. mentally-i'm so alert... no drowsiness..not at all dopey.

my surgeon came around this time and repeated in summary what he probably was trying to tell me earlier and what my hubby has already told me. before he left, he said,
"you need to pee. if you can't pee..please tell the nurse, they will help put in a catheter for you".

peeing may seems like such a natural thing to do but at that time, it was almost mission impossible. i'm so determined not to have the catheter that for the next 4 hours, i'm totally obsessed with 'pee'. every half an hour to an hour, i will buzz the nurse to bring me the bedpan. we let the faucet running..sipped water...tried to induce with "shiiii" sound ...sipped more water..tried semi sitting up in bed over the bedpan..sipped even more water but nothing works.

by 12.30am, the nurse came in to check and regrettably said it's more than 12 hours since i last peed and they have to put in a cathether in another 1/2 hour to avoid toxic build up. i felt so defeated. if i can't even get myself to pee, what's the odd of me beating cancer. very dissapointed with myself, i asked the nurse to just go ahead and insert the cathether instead of half an hour later.

so, she went out and came back with 2 other nurses and the necessary equipment. they poked around...nothing happen..they took turns to poke around...and nothing happen. they asked me "are you sure you have the urge to pee" and i replied "i have a bladder full".

it occured to me at that time that my mind is not letting it happen. no matter how they tried, it's just not happening. so, i asked them to remove everything and take me to the washroom instead. they have no problem removing the catheter but taking me to the washroom is another mission impossible...they have this look that says ''she must be high on morphine...that's must be morphine talk".

you see, i have a whole load of medical devices attached to me and getting me to even stand up will be a challenge. i'm not sure of all the medical devices name and function but let's try...1. the respirator -they removed the oxygen mask and replaced with tubes when i start talking 2. the ECG monitor with wires sticking out all over my chest to records activity of the heart 3. the pulse oxirecty- a sensor clip on my fingers to monitor oxygenation of my blood 4. the blood pressure reader on my arm 4. the iv drips 5.the morphine infusion pump 6. and that dreadful chest tube sticking out from my body to drain fluid and blood out of my chest cavity into a plastic bag.

they don't have to tell me why they are so reluctant- i just got it. so, i didn't pushed further...i don't want to get them in trouble. i asked for a potty instead ... or whatever..something that i can sit on to pee and we finally settled on a commode, a portable chair with removable toilet bowl. in order to get me on the commode, they have to temporary removed the ECG, respirator, the blood pressure and the pulse oxirecty. i have a nurse holding on to the iv, the morphine drip and the chest tube while the other two holding on to me left and right. they were so concern...continuously seeking assurances that i'm ok before i take any further steps...hang on- don't get up yet...do you feel ok? "yes, i'm fine... are you drowsy? no. i'm fine.. do you feel weak? no, i'm fine... please shake your leg a little..are they numb? no. i'm fine...eventually they helped me to stand up and sit down on the commode... and voila, i just let go...so naturally.

that's a lot of trouble for them to help me to pee and i appreciate the patience. when i' back on my bed with the devices all hooked back on except the respirator (which i decided to do without even though my oxygen level was slightly below par), i have this BIG smile on my face...a smile of satisfaction and accomplishment...a silly one- yes but nonetheless, i'm happy i made it at the end...just the way i want it.

such a strange day. i was put to sleep in fear..woke up minus one lung..and then obsessed over peeing..but the day ended with a big smile.

oh- rigth after, i felt hungry and ordered for some oats and soya milk...i had my breakfast at 3am...strange

i promised a few good friends to always keep them inform of my well being and one of them reminded me that i can update my progress in this blog. this people wants to know because i'm in their mind and they really do care. so, i'm not doing this out of obligation but because i have them at heart too.

i'm recovering superbly. really really well. the incision pain and bruised ribs reduces to a torelable level.... consider that bygones. if you happen to see me, you can't tell at all what has just happened to this body and mind. you will probably still see me smiling.

i had an appointment with my oncologist last Saturday. actually, he is the 3rd oncologists that i have seen. i went to the 1st two for the wrong reasons. although every oncologist will have a slight different opinions on the recommended drug and its dosage but it should not differ drastically as most of them follow a standard protocol to treat the type and stage of cancer based on extensive trial carried out. you can easily check that out in the internet.

so, my 1st choice is of location and conveniency of the hospital, which turned out to be so wrong because i was so discouraged by how things are managed by this onco center. they practice 1st come 1st basis on appointment day, which mean if you have an appointment on Wed, you still need to come early to get your #. i had my appointment at 9am and i didn't get to see the oncologist until 4pm. i saw patient on wheelchair coming in for treatment...waiting since morning...eating packed lunch and was not attended to till afternoon. this is a private hospital and it appear to be so inefficient. i work for a company that focus highly on customer experience and this people really need to learn a thing or two about patient experience.

then i shift my 2nd choice to focus on efficiency, a more comfortable atmosphere and not that far from home either. i like this onco center...less tense...more cozy... but the chemo drug and regimen recommended made me sceptical. the drug is not extensively trialled for my condition...i feel like a guinea pig. i'm not taking the chance and hence, i seek another opinion and i'm glad i did. i went back to the hospital that i had my operation earlier...it wasn't really that far but it's in KL and how silly am i to think avoiding traffic jam should be part of the reason to choose the right oncologist or onco center.

we are talking about cancer treatment...it should instill a longer term relationship with my doctor and what's more important than trust and confident with your doc. yep, i'm comfortable with him.

when he first saw me, he commented with a very friendly smile:

" ahhh...so, you are the one. heard so much about you before i meet you and finally, i get to see you in person..."

of all places, i never thought i can be famous in a hospital (lol- just joking). for some of you that i constantly updated during my stay at the hospital, you can probable guess why. i intend to write that down too- for my own sake...just in case, if the going get tough, i can always refer back to this period of time to gather my strength.

anyway, the opening comment is not the reason i decided to go with this onco. of all the 3, he is the only one that bother to take some time to ask me how am i doing after the surgery....someone that show a little compassion...a little concern over the welfare of his patient, rather that just going through the motion of "okay, this is what you have and this is what we are going to do....blah...blah....blah". so, he is my doc now.

here are what we are going to do:
1. i will undergo a minor surgery to insert a chemo port (below the collarbone) on the 18th. instead of rupturing a vein everytime they give me the chemo drug, they will just poke a needle to this port and the drug will go straight to my heart and pump all over my body. even though it just a minor surgery but i still shudder at the thought of another surgery. the chemo port is not a must but it's advisable to have-so, i'm getting it.

2. i will start chemo on the 26th this month for the next 4 months. a combination of two anticancer drugs on week 1, one drug on week 2, 3 and 4, which make up of one cycle. the long list of side effects of the drug make me shudder, shudder and shudder.....but this is something i just need to push on.

on the way to the hospital, i started crying out of a sudden and of course, i pushed my husband's panic button.
he fumbled a little " honey, why are you crying? is everything okay? are you in pain?"
i replied " please look in front and focus on your driving...when i'm done...i will tell you why."

so, he let me cry for a while and when i'm done, i told him,
"i just got thru a major surgery and my body is just about to adapt and now, i have to once again subject this body to another harsh chemo treatment...that made me sad. i know this is something that must be done. i try not to be scared...i try to be strong but at time, i need to let my guard down and cry a little ...just to take care of my emotional pain. I'm okay now".


right now, i think i'm ready.

all my life up to about a month ago, i thought i'm a lucky girl. i really do and i will tell you why...

* i don't think there is any perfect family out there. there is just no way to quantify that but if i had a great childhood and lots of opportunities while growing up, then i believe i'm blessed with a great family. my parents love their children and i think they care too much..even till now. despite me being a little naughty and teen rebellion at that times, i love my childhood.

* i don't consider myself smart. i'm defnitely in the mean, median, mode of the intelligence normal distribution curve...you know- the average group. i used to be the girl that sit right at the back of the class...day deaming...scribbling...giggling and definitely not paying attention. burning mignight oil and last minute scrambling is a ritual of my student life. however, i'm so lucky when it comes to education. i managed to get myself a professional qualification and MBA with lots of fun. lucky me!

* i married the man i fell in love with. he adores and loves me dearly. he is a wonderful husband and great father to our children. he still believe that we are meant to be- how sweet.

* I'm a truly contented mom blessed with two beautiful, beautiful boys. They give me so much joy that at times, i lost myself in them .... they are able to melt me in their little world of pure love and joy. it's magic to me.

* every girl needs a best friend and i had one that has been with me for ages and still vow to be by my side till the end. we had unbelievable memories growing up together.

* i like my job. i have a great boss and wonderful colleagues. how many people out there that can actually say this?

* trust me. i have amazing friends. people with great heart and people that i want to share my life with. people that rallied for me in time of needs and people that care enough just to come round and give me a good luck hugs.

sure- i have my complaints...up and down in life just like everybody else but i would like to think life has been kind to me and I'm happy so far. i believe that until someone told me this:

"Adenocarcinoma lung cancer is the most common type of lung cancer in women and among people who have not smoked.. you are just SO UNLUCKY to get it."

i don't waive the possibility that things like this can happen in life...there is always a risk of dying from anything but the possibility of dying at this point in my life is so remote that i don't even think about it....let alone see it as a threat. the idea of death is so distant that i practically feel immortal but the truth is i have an expiry date with a life expectancy of less than a bottled water or canned food on a supermarket shelf. that's just brutal .

you know what? i don't think my luck has totally run out. i may be facing a life threatening crisis but it has not changed the fact that i had a great life so far and it has not stopped people from loving me....it has not changed the least bit of all that i have listed above.

moreover, i was told I have a chance...

"if you have not found out, you may have 8-9 months of life. right now we can still do something about it. from the x-ray, the tumor is situated in the lower lobe of the left lung...probably we can escape a pneumonectomy (removal of the whole left lung) and do a lobectomy to remove just the lower lobe of the left lung. it also shows that one of your lymph node is affected, which mean the cancer cells could have spread beyond the lung. although report shows that it has no metastasis to other major organs but you still needs chemo after the surgery to kill any remaining cancer cells and minimise the risk of relapse. there is also a "spot" here whereby the tumor has touched the chest wall. we can't be sure from x-ray, i need to open you up to see. if it's real, i can remove that bit and patch it back with wire ( i later found out that if the chest wall is infected, there is a high risk that the cancer cells can spread along the chest wall and if that happen, i'm as good as dead).
you are still young and besides this problem, you are generally in good health. you can take all this. take the chance. you deserve it."

despite having a tumor the size of my fist in my chest, i'm totally clueless i have a time bomb attached to me all this while. i'm symptomless...no sign..no indication at all. i have not done any medical check up for the past 3 years because i'm too busy being a mom. one day, a colleague's husband just passed away from acute leukimia within a couple of days after he collapsed. that's the tirgger point...and i was only worried i had not done my pep smear for the past 3 years. so, i took the effort to take a day off for medical check up under my company Executive Health Screening Program and thinking about shopping later. huh- little did i know i won't be shopping for a long while....

well, the thing is - what if i have not gone for the check up? will i even live pass this year?

lung cancer is a very common cause of cancer death, very difficult to treat, very frequently fatal. the prognosis is not good and survival rate is low. i don't care about statistic...all i need to know is that i have a chance.

whatever residual luck that i'm left with has given me this chance.
when there is a chance, there is HOPE.
a chance to fight for my life...a hope to live on...
i do want to live on and i will live on.

i need to believe that!